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Teddy Bear Tech Support is about support that requires a minimal amount of "doing" on the part of the people that are providing the support.
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This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup.
It is almost the same as the [[Main Page|Main Page]].  The only difference is that the Main Page has two sections more than this page.  [[Main_Page#An_example|The two sections are right after the Table of Contents]] and are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.


Here’s just how minimal it can be:
To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|click here]].  This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear, and it was created so that talkers could direct new teddy bears to it to help them with getting up to speed.  This version includes a subset of the content from both the [[Main Page|Main Page]] and the [[More about Teddy Bear Talk Support|More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page]].
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:There’s a story about a computer technical support office that had a teddy bear on the front counter.  The rule for people coming to the office was, before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support office were able to save a lot of time this way.


Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable.  There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you.'''  
Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud.  It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple.  It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful.   


Teddy Bear Tech Support was inspired by the story about the teddy bear at the tech support office, but note well that <u>'''tech support is NOT what this is about!!!'''</u>  Also, you don't have to talk to inanimate objects!  We'll be looking at swapping out the stuffed animal teddy bears for "teddy bears" with more capabilities (but with constraints placed on the use of their capabilities).  So, we'll be talking to real live people in real time, or talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to a recording device.
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:


So, what might you talk through with a teddy bear?  
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref>
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as you try to wade in when you're not sure where to start
*Prioritizing your day
*Making your intentions clearer for an email you just finished drafting out
*Fleshing out some different possibilities that could address an issue
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation you need to have


What minimal things might you ask a "human teddy bear" to do?
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable.  There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything.  As a result, you can hear yourself differently.  What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.
 
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears.  These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. 
 
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about.  But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about.  So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about
 
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:
*purchasing something
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side
*handling a major life issue
 
But, why would you [[Examples#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!?  The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone.  It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.
 
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on.  Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking.  The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture.  You replace discipline with structure.  Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances.  The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard).  This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things.  Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.
 
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear.  What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious.  Things can sound different and register differently for the talker.  Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.
 
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: 
* serve as a silent witness
* serve as a silent witness
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what you've said
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
* make guesses at the core of what's important 
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about  
 
* serve as a scribe by writing down the parts of what the talker is saying that they ask you to
At the heart of what TBTS is about is giving talkers an environment
*where the focus is on bringing their own resources to bear to the matters at hand
*where the processing that the talkers are doing is to be supported with highest priority (so that the thoughts and impulses, e.g., to give advice, of the teddy bears don't threaten to encroach on the talker's processing)
 
So, with teddy bear setups, it’s about getting to interact with someone in a way that makes it so '''you are better able to help yourself'''.  We are keeping what teddy bears are "doing" to a minimum and letting them know that a key part of their job involves staying out of your way. 


== An example ==
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time.  Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness.  Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. ('''Not just tech support issues!''')  It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.  They can still hold the space for you in ways that are supportive.  For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly meetings to work with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other.  We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.
*Prioritizing their day
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have


What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc.  These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear.  Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation.  You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.


So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself.  You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation.  You might start to see things from a third party perspective.  Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.
<u>Setup examples:</u>


You may have experienced this already in normal conversations.  I have.  Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation.  Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything.  When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.
Paraphrasing when asked to


But they ''are'' doing something for me.  When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with.  Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me.  I hear myself differently.  Someone is paying attention.  As a result, some things can become immediately obvious.  What I focus on changes.  What to say or do next can become clear.  The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes.  The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.


Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me.  They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.'''  I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it].  Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing


== What situations might you talk about? == 
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom.  They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker.  They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat.  It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment.  Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.


'''Anything you might want to think out loud about [[Examples#Talking_out_loud_on_paper_examples | (or out on paper about)]]. (Not just tech support issues!)'''  Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction.  Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is.  Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled.  Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on.
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.


== Why minimal? Why have constraints? ==
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==


One reason to constrain what teddy bears do to be minimal is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so your teddy bear only mirrors back to you parts of what you’ve said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what you said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what you’ve said.
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said.


Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.   
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.   


The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:  
The following excerpts from [https://couragerenewal.org/library/the-clearness-committee-a-communal-approach-to-discernment/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:  
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.  
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.  


:…
:…


:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, honest and open questions, questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.


The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person.  Here's a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions:  [http://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf http://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf]
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person.  [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions.  


Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be minimal are:
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:
*so we're less in performance mode  
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold
*so we're more in more freely talking just see how things unfold mode
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics
*so there's more hearing and being with
*so there's more hearing and being with
*so we can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what we're saying, so we can even start in the middle of the story of whatever we're thinking about
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want
*so we can connect more often in more different ways, because you can have teddy bears support you for short lengths of time with more different content
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
*so we can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
*so we can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into
 
 
 
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations.  We can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that you can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, we can be talking more at length with teddy bears.  We can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help us with achieving a goal or establishing a habit.  Or, we can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping us make one decision.  The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that the "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as the "talkers."  The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently.  It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.
 
By being included in these "minimal" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys.
 
== Ready to try it out? ==
One way to try it out is to go to the Opportunities Signup ([http://bitly.com/oppsignup bitly.com/oppsignup]), where you can find people you can schedule times to do Teddy Bear Tech Support with. 
 
So, what could you think through with someone?  Maybe you already have something in mind.  Like maybe you've got something you're musing about, or something you're trying to fix, or something you want to do a dry run for. 
 
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.
 
=== "Maybe I could ... " === 
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?
 
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email.  '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email.  Well, but ___________.  Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________.  But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________.  Yes, that'll do the trick.  I think that's worth doing."
 
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________.  But, can I really get myself to do that?  What if ___________?  Maybe that would help.  So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________.  Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________.  But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."
 
===Scheduled===
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle.  For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
*More frequent helpful meetings.  Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule.  Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people.  Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.
 
===Spur of the moment===
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.
 
See the section [[Main_Page#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]
 
===Active learning===
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to.  Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.
 
== How does the magic work? ==
===Variation and selection===
 
The magic of Teddy Bear Tech Support has many components to it.  To read about one key component, click [[Variation and selection | here to go to the Variation and selection]] wikipage.
 
===Imagining/simulating what is going on for the teddy bear===
 
What the talker is imagining is going on for the teddy bear can also be a big component of the magic.  It's particularly interesting because what they are imagining need not be anything like what's actually going on for the teddy bear.  Click [[Imagining | here to go to the Imagining]] wikipage to read about this component.
 
===Totally committing===
[https://medium.com/@ExaVault/can-i-be-your-rubber-duck-debugging-code-with-a-friend-fd5bc678fd6a Rubber ducking] is a close cousin to Teddy Bear Tech Support where computer programmers debug their code by talking to rubber ducks.  The spirit of both TBTS and rubber ducking is to facilitate your being better able to help yourself. One Rubber Ducking/TBTS technique that works well is to have an expert as your teddy bear and write to them in detail about what's going on.  Here is an excerpt from [https://blog.codinghorror.com/rubber-duck-problem-solving/ a blog post] about [https://stackexchange.com/about Stack Exchange], a network of Q&A communities for computer programmers. The excerpts attest to how many people have benefited from how Stack Exchange insists, and are kind of jerks about it, that people who post questions on Stack Exchange put effort in thinking through and writing up their questions with care.  Often, it helps people to help them help themselves, and they often figure out the answer to their own problem. For example:
 
:I don't know how many times this has happened:
 
:*I have a problem
:*I decide to bring it to stack overflow
:*I awkwardly write down my question
:*I realize that the question doesn't make any sense
:*I take 15 minutes to rethink how to ask my question
:*I realize that I'm attacking the problem from a wrong direction entirely.
:*I start from scratch and find my solution quickly.
 
:Does this happen to you? Sometimes asking the right question seems like half the problem.
 
:...
 
:...'''the critical part of rubber duck problem solving is to ''totally commit'' to asking a thorough, detailed question of this imaginary person or inanimate object.'''
 
Clearly, committing to asking a question with care can be very helpful.  In general, totally committing to operating in other kinds of modes can also be key and can also be facilitated by TBTS/Rubber ducking.
 
Committing to proceeding as if there were less uncertainty to what I'm trying to do is one such mode.  Committing to operating in this mode can be very hard for me to do when what's going on is all in my head.  Talking to a teddy bear (even just a recording device teddy bear) can help me with committing.  I can then stick to going down just one path with what I’m saying and continuing to build on it rather than saying, for example, “No, I don’t like that” and doing a lot of starting over. It’s just a whole different ballgame from me just trying to work on things where it’s just me thinking by myself. It’s like the difference between thinking about writing and actually writing. Sitting around thinking about writing (especially if you’re like me and want things to spring perfectly from your head) doesn’t get you to the same places (to say the least) as actually getting things out onto paper does. Sitting around thinking is precisely what happens for me when I try to talk out loud without a person or a recording device listening, I tend to trail off and shift back into just doing a lot of thinking without talking. What's key is to have it feel like '''someone or something is paying attention'''. Because of that, the space has been held for me to have a different process unfold.
 
=== How things get shifted for us ===
 
==== Because of mere presence of a teddy bear ====
 
Left to our own devices, we will tend to go down certain paths.  The mere presence of a teddy bear can be all it takes for us to be finding ourselves going down different sets of paths.  I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc. 
 
I'll know that the teddy bear won't let me get away with bad self talk, and that'll prevent me from talking that way about myself.
 
The teddy bear's mere presence can serve as a touchstone to keep me operating in a particular mode.
 
Or, it could be that I know I won't always have a teddy bear with me, so wanting to take advantage of that can get me to prioritize.
 
== Same page enough ==
 
The beauty of TBTS is that you only have to be on the same page '''enough''' with your teddy bear.  If you don't have the time or desire to get someone fully up to speed with everything, you can still benefit from their support if the name of the game is to just be on the same page enough.
 
The teddy bear only has to get the gist of some aspect of what you're talking about to be able to come along for the ride with you.  It could be just to see how frustrated you are with what's happening.  There are different things like this that you can follow about what's going on with the talker as they go along that allow your presence to be felt by the talker, especially if later the talker stumbles on a solution to what's been frustrating to them and you can then knowledgeably join in the celebration.
 
Because all that's required is that you're both on the same page enough, this can help the talker get into [[Main_Page#Getting_something_down_vs_thinking_something_up_mode |freely improvising mode]].
 
Here's one example where it didn't take much to get my listener on the same page enough as me.  All I had to do was repeatedly say the words "grumble grumble grumble," and this proved to be a very satisfying way to do it.  In fact, it definitely felt more satisfying than if I had spelled things out with more words.  Saying "grumble grumble grumble" over and over again was a great way to acknowledge, validate, and sit with how I was feeling.  The content of the words I would've said instead of "grumble grumble grumble" didn't matter. It was getting to feel the feeling that mattered. So, this made it so the content of the words didn't have undue influence.
 
===Not the other person's page instead of yours===
 
Here's a sentiment that often rings true for me:  I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say.  I get to find out what comes out of my mouth when I shift into think out loud mode.  So, I benefit a lot from getting to talk through things with people.  As I talk, if I've found that I've said something particularly helpful or insightful, it helps if I can immediately take the ball and run with it.  But, I don't always get to.  Often, I find myself feeling like I'm chasing the other person around.  They've got their own ideas and their own agendas, and I'm trying to work within the rules of normal social dynamics to steer them back to a place that I want to explore. 
 
What TBTS is not about:  Having the teddy bear expound on "If I were the talker, here's how ''I'' would go about things. 
 
It's not to have the teddy bear do our work for us or live our lives for us.  In fact, when there's a tendency for these things, it's possible that setting up a clear teddy bear setup could allow us to interact with the teddy bear in a way that is more connecting (especially when we have teddy bears who often make lots of suggestions and who tend to have agendas for us).
 
== Exploring content and processes that you tend not to include others in ==
 
It might be easy for you to imagine including someone in your process for the following situations:
getting help with wording something, asking someone which of two choices they like better, and getting feedback on something that's almost done and that you're almost ready to share with the world.
 
But, one thing that Teddy Bear Tech Support is about is including someone in your process for things you normally wouldn't include them in, and it's about how both the talker and the teddy bear can benefit from doing this more often.
 
=== Solitary work ===
 
Getting to connect with other people while working on what's typically done all by yourself, and having the support of others help you be more effective with doing this work.
 
=== Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable) ===
 
As you read through the following excerpt, see how it also applies if you substitute "think out loud with someone" whenever you see the word "write."
 
From: [https://www.bmartin.cc/classes/writing.html https://www.bmartin.cc/classes/writing.html]
 
:...write before you're ready. Write what you know about the topic, write about how you plan to cover the topic, write about things you need to know - anything to get you going.
 
:Why does it save time to write before you're ready? Because you find out what you need to know. If you do lots of reading before you write, you end up reading lots of stuff that isn't relevant. If, instead, you write first, then you know what information you need for your argument, and you're much more efficient in finding it and reading it. Writing regularly ends up saving you time.
 
:And you'll be more creative. Boice in another experiment found that daily writers produced five times as many new ideas per week as academics who were not writing but who were instructed to note down new ideas when they thought of them.


:Experienced, highly productive writers don't wait to be inspired to write - instead, they write to be inspired.


For me, it's often about talking about things that I am far from having worked out and need to do some casting about for a while without worrying about being all that coherent.  I often don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say.  So, I like being able to say, "Hey, let's flip into 'Teddy Bear' mode" when these things arise.  Teddy Bear mode needn't last more than a couple minutes.  So, I put together this Teddy Bear Tech Support website to explain Teddy Bear mode, so that more people could at least benefit from these brief Teddy Bear interactions if not from the other kinds that I've described on this page.


Nowhere near shareable thoughts include:
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode.  A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit.  Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision.  The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers."  The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently.  It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.
*exploratory
*not sure what you might say
*quarter-baked ideas (even less baked than half-baked ideas)


== Operating in different modes than usual ==
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.


=== Getting something down vs thinking something up mode===
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.
:-Rachel Naomi Remen


With the following excerpt, notice how shifting to thinking out loud with someone can help you make the shift to "getting something down" mode.  When I see something I'm  writing appear on the piece of paper, I tend to evaluate it much more than if instead I'm hearing what I have to say.  Spoken words are just there in that moment and then gone the next, whereas written words are lasting.  Because they can be looked at more than once, I get more self-conscious about written words and hold them to higher standards.  Also, I feel like people will expect me to go back and fix what I've written, but cut me much more slack with what I've said.  So, for me, thinking out loud automatically shifts me into a lower expectations, let's just see what happens mode, similar to the getting something down mode in the following excerpt.
==Heard to speech==
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me.  Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.


Here is a  [https://books.google.com/books?id=ros_DwAAQBAJ&pg=PT19&lpg=PT19&dq=%22focused+about+just+getting+something+down%22&source=bl&ots=C_xZg4oxQE&sig=ACfU3U0BMyZWFsC0II_mb4hU1N64ceoBUQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjukfah6ZHjAhVHZ80KHTx8D-0Q6AEwAHoECAgQAQ#v=onepage&q=%22focused%20about%20just%20getting%20something%20down%22&f=false Julia Cameron quote from her book The Right to Write]
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."


:One of the simplest and smartest things I ever learned about writing is the importance of a sense of direction. Writing is about getting something down, not thinking something up. Whenever I strive to ‘think something up,’ writing becomes something I must stretch to achieve. It becomes loftier than I am, perhaps even something so lofty, it is beyond my grasp. When I am trying to think something up, I am straining. When, on the other hand, I am focused about just getting something down, I have a sense of attention but not a sense of strain.
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like
*how we are experiencing being heard,
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into,  
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.


When you're the talker, I think the "minimal doing" requirement of TBTS can provide you with more freedom and ease and less strain, helping you discover new thoughts or new ways of saying things or new ways of putting them together as they come out of your mouth.
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==


== The gift of getting to witness/accompany and experience the journey ==
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen.  It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.
 
Serving in the teddy bear role can provide us with the opportunity to hold the space for people in a way that develops our capacities to deeply listen. Here is a piece that speaks to that by David Castro on Learning to Listen.  It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.


:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
Line 219: Line 117:
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.


TBTS makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time.  '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time.  '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''


== Teddy bears as well as talkers are likely to get a 3rd party perspective on issues in their own lives ==
== Ready to try it out? ==
===Possibilities===
So, what could you think through with someone?  Maybe you already have something in mind.  Like maybe you've got
*something you're musing about,
*or something you're trying to fix,
*or something you want to do a dry run for. 


Often teddy bears find that talkers are talking about issues that the teddy bears themselves also face in their own lives. They then get the opportunity to see the issues from a 3rd party perspective of what before they might have only seen from their own first person vantage point.
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.


Talkers can get a 3rd party perspective on things because doing some thinking of what things might look like to the teddy bear as one is talking happens pretty automatically.
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== 
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?


===Some reasons this is helpful===
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email.  '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email.  Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________.  But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________.  Yes, that'll do the trick.  I think that's worth doing."
 
Purposely talking to yourself by saying your name vs. saying "I" facilitates emotion regulation and self-control.  So, if TBTS tends to naturally help you get into the mode of seeing yourself from a 3rd party perspective, or sets things up to get you to refer to yourself in the 3rd person, then you can benefit from the self-distancing that results.  So, you're able to make more progress with what you're trying to think through.


<u>The research of Ethan Kross, Ozlem Ayduk, and Jason Moser on 3rd party perspectives </u>
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________.  But, can I really get myself to do that?  What if ___________?  Maybe that would help.  So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________.  Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________.  But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."


The premise is that "third-person self-talk leads people to think about the self similar to how they think about others, which provides them with the psychological distance needed to facilitate self control." The results suggested that "third-person self-talk may constitute a relatively effortless form of self-control."[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-017-04047-3]
====Scheduled====
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle.  For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
*More frequent helpful meetings.  Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule.  Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.


Making Meaning out of Negative Experiences by Self-Distancing by Kross and Ayduk
====Spur of the moment====
[https://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~rascl/assets/files/kross_ayduk_2011_cd.pdf]
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.  


:What might the implications of adopting a self-distanced versus a self-immersed perspective be for facilitating adaptive self-reflection? Drawing from prior research on self-control and psychological distance (Mischel, Shoda, & Rodriguez, 1989; Trope & Liberman, 2003), we reasoned that a self-immersed perspective would predispose people to focus narrowly on ''recounting'' the concrete details of their experience (i.e., what happened?; what did I feel?) rather than on taking the big picture into account in order to make meaning out of their experience (Kross, Ayduk, & Mischel, 2005). In contrast, we hypothesized that adopting a self-distanced perspective would allow people to focus on the broader context in order to ''reconstrue'' their experience in ways that would reduce distress. Thus, we predicted that self distancing would facilitate adaptive self-reflection whereas self-immersion would undermine it.
:See the section [[More_about_Teddy_Bear_Talk_Support#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]


:...
====Active learning====
 
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to.  Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.
:As these examples illustrate, people who self-distance focus less on ''recounting'' their experiences and more on ''reconstruing'' them in ways that provide insight and closure.
 
== Examples of kinds of Talkers and Teddy Bears ==
 
A kind of talker:  Some people get so much out of doing their thinking by talking out loud with someone that the following sentiment rings true for them: "I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say."
 
=== Take your teddy bear to work day ===
 
=== Talkers that want to engage more actively in learning that recruit teddy bears as a way to facilitate active learning ===
 
=== Teddy bear pals (like pen pals) ===
 
=== Harnessing the power of listening without needing people to be skilled at being good listeners ===
 
I have a friend who often mentions that they find me skilled at listening and that they would really appreciate being able to be a better listener themselves.  I wonder if having experiences with being a silent witness teddy bear could help my friend become a better listener.
 
If the rule is simply that the teddy bear remain silent, that can make things much easier for people not only in the moment but likely in the future as well.  This is a way the teddy bear can get to have experiences of what it's like to listen.  Seeing how things unfold when all that has been offered is listening will provide experiences of what can be made possible by the power of listening.  These experiences can yield a lasting impression that can help the teddy bear to develop a proclivity for making the choice to listen more in the future.
 
== Many easy ways to recruit Teddy Bears ==
 
Teddy Bear mode needn't last more than a couple minutes.  In general with TBTS, there are a lot of ways to have it so that you're not asking very much of the teddy bear, including it not needing to take up much time.
 
For me, I’ve had a teddy bear that I’ve sent emails to.  What I asked of the teddy bear was to simply respond to the emails with “I read your email."  Simply having someone I was sending emails to was a game changer for me.


Whatever the case may be, whether the situation is thinking through a minor or a major life decision,
===Resources===
[[Examples#Dear_Byron|talking through where you’re stuck with something you’re trying to write]], or wondering how you might be able to handle a delicate situation gracefully, there are many ways to harness the power of including someone else in your process.  The next section lists some examples of support you could request from teddy bears.
====On-call times====
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand.  If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.


=== Kinds of support===
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484====
*whatever is on my mind support
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number:  (734) 531-9484‬.  Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent).  The voicemails left at this number vanish.  (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.)  I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device.  By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well.  Note:  Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over.  All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.
*as if talking to an expert support (can help you prepare to talk to an actual expert)
*taking regular pitstops along the way with you support (for someone working on a long-term project, like a term paper, a book, or a thesis)
*don't feel like it support (including before you're ready to start support)
*to get even more support that complements the support you get from a partner or an advisor/mentor


=== When to recruit a teddy bear ===
====Talk out loud with the Need a Listening Ear for 5 minutes? YouTube video====
- This is a video of someone who listens to you for 5 minutes:
https://youtu.be/Bk_R8ik5NLQ?t=63


You might consider the following situations and triggers that alert you. 
==Connecting more and connecting differently==
*becoming aware that you're procrastinating
*spending more than 5 minutes on one sentence (both if you're reading or writing)


== Teddy Bear Tech Support from the Teddy Bear's perspective ==
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy:
=== Teddy Bears recruiting Talkers ===
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...


I've talked about TBTS in terms of talkers recruiting teddy bears.  But, teddy bears can also recruit talkers.  For example, teddy bears that have retired from their careers can be of service to young talkers.  One thing this could help with is with finding talkers that they can be normal mentors to or normal friends with.
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter.


Doing [https://www.thebalancecareers.com/what-is-job-shadowing-2062024 job shadowing] is another reason teddy bears might have for recruiting talkers. If someone is wondering about what it would be like to be in a certain career field, sometimes they arrange to shadow/follow a person around on the job to experience what the job is like.  One way to do job shadowing is to have times where you serve as a teddy bear for the person you are shadowing.
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for.  Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant?  What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?


=== Meaningful Action ===
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.


We can all use more meaningful action in our lives.  TBTS gives teddy bears a way to have more meaningful action, and to connect with more people, and with more different people.  Teddy bears get to develop listening skills by getting to witness the power of listening as they make choices (in the teddy bear setups that have choices to be made) about when to do things like mirror back what they've heard and when to offer questions, and as they learn to ask questions that are more of a listening nature.
==Want to read more?==


=== Windows into Talkers' Worlds and into Teddy Bears' Own Worlds ===
[[More_about_Teddy_Bear_Talk_Support|Click here]] to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.


Teddy Bears get to have windows into talkers' world and windows into their own worlds.  They can get 3rd party perspectives on issues of their own when they are witnessing similar issues for others.  They get to see people's insides and hear people's self talk.   
== Note: Work in progress ==
<font color=044D39>
This page is under construction.  One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website.  So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.   
</font>


For me, I've found it empowering to see how effective it is when we are better able to explore our own ideas for ourselves.  I've found it reassuring to watch people say things to themselves that I would've wanted to say to them (if I weren't being a silent witness).  It reminds me that what I want to do is hold the space with compassion and trust for the talker, knowing how empowering giving that kind of support can be for both me to witness and the talker to receive, and knowing that getting it is all too rare.
==References==

Latest revision as of 19:49, 13 December 2024

This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. It is almost the same as the Main Page. The only difference is that the Main Page has two sections more than this page. The two sections are right after the Table of Contents and are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.

To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, click here. This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear, and it was created so that talkers could direct new teddy bears to it to help them with getting up to speed. This version includes a subset of the content from both the Main Page and the More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page.


Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful.

TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:

At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.[1]

Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you, even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.

After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These "human teddy bears" would be operating in what I called "teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things, like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important.

Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can even talk to a teddy bear about:

  • something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't
  • something you're not the expert in, and you're pretending the teddy bear is wiser about

For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:

  • purchasing something
  • navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members
  • dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side
  • handling a major life issue

But, why would you want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be "heard to speech" by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear holding the space for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can

  • find out what you think by hearing what you have to say
  • be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things
  • be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful
  • be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.

What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what they're now thinking of.

The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference. With the teddy bear there holding the space with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.

Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do:

  • serve as a silent witness
  • do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said
  • offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
  • make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about
  • serve as a scribe by writing down the parts of what the talker is saying that they ask you to

Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:

  • Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start
  • Prioritizing their day
  • Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out
  • Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have

Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.

Setup examples:

Paraphrasing when asked to

A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.

Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing

2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.

"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.

Why limited? Why have constraints?

One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said.

Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.

The following excerpts from Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:

Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.
…
Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, honest and open questions, questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.

The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. Click here for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions.

Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:

  • so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold
  • so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
  • so there's less need to handle social dynamics
  • so there's more hearing and being with
  • so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want
  • so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
  • so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
  • so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into


TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.

By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.

When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.
-Rachel Naomi Remen

Heard to speech

Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, because of how I'm experiencing being heard, I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.

As my co-working writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."

Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like

  • how we are experiencing being heard,
  • how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into,
  • and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.

The magic that the teddy bear can experience

Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.

When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.

Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.

Ready to try it out?

Possibilities

So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got

  • something you're musing about,
  • or something you're trying to fix,
  • or something you want to do a dry run for.

Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.

"Maybe I could ... "

Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?

  • For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. Maybe I could write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."
  • Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. Maybe I could always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."

Scheduled

  • Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
  • More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.

Spur of the moment

  • "Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.
See the section Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)

Active learning

  • Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.

Resources

On-call times

- One way to give TBTS a try is through the "on-call" times when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.

Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484

- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484‬. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.

Talk out loud with the Need a Listening Ear for 5 minutes? YouTube video

- This is a video of someone who listens to you for 5 minutes: https://youtu.be/Bk_R8ik5NLQ?t=63

Connecting more and connecting differently

Here is an excerpt from the book You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy:

To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...
It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter.

What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?

I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.

Want to read more?

Click here to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.

Note: Work in progress

This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.

References

  1. ↑ Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, The Practice of Programming, Addison-Wesley (1999)
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