NVC Basics
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) views communication that is characterized by judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing, accusing, and blaming as "violent" or "life-alienating" because it can lead to defensiveness, resentment, and conflict, moving away from connection and understanding. Instead of focusing on shared humanity and needs, talking in this way fuels disagreements and can escalate tensions. NVC uses a simple four-part framework for understanding what's alive in us and others that helps us connect with what really matters.
O - Observations What actually happened, without judgment or interpretation. Like a video camera recording facts.
Instead of: "You never listen to me" Try: "When I was talking about my day, you were looking at your phone"
F - Feelings The emotions arising in you—actual feelings, not thoughts disguised as feelings.
Actual feelings: sad, frustrated, anxious, joyful, relieved
Not feelings: "I feel like you don't care" (that's a thought/judgment) Example: "I feel hurt"
N - Needs The universal human needs underlying your feelings. Everyone shares these needs—things like respect, understanding, safety, connection, rest, autonomy.
Example: "...because I need to be heard and to feel connected with you"
R - Requests A specific, doable action you're asking for (not a demand). The other person can say no.
Instead of: "Pay attention to me" Try: "Would you be willing to put your phone away when we're talking, or let me know if now isn't a good time?"
Putting it together: "When I was talking about my day and you were looking at your phone (O), I felt hurt (F), because I need to be heard and feel connected with you (N). Would you be willing to put your phone away when we're talking? (R)"
The magic isn't in the formula itself—it's in the awareness that develops as you practice distinguishing facts from judgments, feelings from thoughts, and identifying the needs behind your reactions.
Some would say though that although NVC is often presented as a technique for better communication—with its four-step process of observations, feelings, needs, and requests—its deeper purpose is actually transforming how we perceive and relate to ourselves and others.
Often it is more about it being an "inside job" in that it is about self-observation and consciousness-shifting.
NVC asks us to:
Notice our habitual patterns of judgment, blame, and right-wrong thinking Develop consciousness about the needs driving all human behavior (ours and others') Cultivate presence with what's alive in us moment-to-moment Practice separating clean observations from evaluation/judgment, which is actually quite difficult Recognize the difference between strategies and needs - Strategies for meeting our needs can often be in conflict, whereas some argue that needs are never in conflict. So, it's important to see the difference between a strategy for getting a need met and the need itself. In this view, the structured communication format (of observations, feelings, needs, and requests) is more like a training wheel—a concrete practice that forces us to slow down and examine our internal landscape. The real transformation happens in the awareness itself: recognizing that anger is often a surface emotion pointing to unmet needs, or seeing how our language patterns perpetuate disconnection.
So someone might come to NVC wanting to "communicate better with their partner," but what they're actually signing up for is a sustained practice of self-observation and consciousness-shifting. The communication improvements are almost a side effect of this deeper awareness work.