Nonviolent communication

Introductory resources for Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

• What NVC is

Feelings and Needs Lists

• Feelings list
• Needs list (arranged in a wheel)

What is "Nonviolent Communication"?

"Violent" vs "Nonviolent" Communication

If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, evaluations, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of "right" versus "wrong" - could indeed be called violent.

Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence.

Sadly, many of the world's cultures teach these "violent" methods of communication as normal and useful, so many of us find our communication efforts painful and distressed, but we don't know why.

What is "Nonviolent Communication"?

The concepts and tools of Nonviolent Communication are designed to help us think, listen and speak in ways that awaken compassion and generosity within ourselves and between each other. Nonviolent Communication helps us interact in ways that leave each of us feeling more whole and connected.

It ensures that our motivations for helping ourselves, and each other, are not from fear, obligation or guilt, but because helping becomes the most fulfilling activity we can imagine.

With its focus on interpersonal communication skills, a casual observer might suppose that the NVC process is only applicable to relationships or conflict resolution.

Yet people who practice the Nonviolent Communication process quickly discover its transformational impact in every area of the human experience - including transforming our classrooms and organizations, improving productivity in the workplace, transforming anger and emotional pain, enhancing our spiritual development, and creating efficient, empowering organizational structures.

- Marshall Rosenberg, from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

NVC views communication that is characterized by judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing, accusing, and blaming as "violent" or "life-alienating" because it can lead to defensiveness, resentment, and conflict, moving away from connection and understanding. Instead of focusing on shared humanity and needs, talking in this way fuels disagreements and can escalate tensions.

Nonviolent Communication Empathy Calls

With Nonviolent Communication Empathy calls, an important part of providing empathy in these calls is to provide guesses about the feelings and needs that seem to be alive for your empathy partner. This is something that is assumed and not mentioned in this guide for doing empathy calls that you can go to by clicking here.

While doing empathy calls, it's helpful to have feelings and needs lists in front of you. Click here for some lists you can use.

Teddy Bear Talk Support sessions for doing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with non-NVC people

Asking non-NVC people to serve as teddy bears for you

Sharing NVC with non-NVC people can be hard. With Teddy Bear Talk Support, one advantage is that you can have them dip their toes in for a few minutes every now and then. You can also have it so they don't have to have much of an understanding of NVC to feel some of its magic. You can start out just by having them serve as a silent teddy bear so that they can experience the power of silent empathy. Then later on you can give them feelings and needs lists and have them make NVC empathy guesses. Maybe they'll be able to see how this can help with getting at what really matters and what's really alive for you. Maybe they'll be able to see how connecting this can be.

Maybe you can have them help you get to your deeper needs by telling them that, when they think it'd be helpful, they can ask you "What might you be needing, if you ____?"

• have that need (meaning the need that you just said that you do have)
• have that feeling (meaning the feeling that you just said that you do have)
• want to blame ________
• have an enemy image of __________
• sound like we feel "done-to"

Maybe you can have them hold the space for a "jackal show" and help you to translate from jackal language (judging, blaming, criticizing, finding fault, making demands, and thinking in terms of people deserving rewards and punishments) to giraffe language (the language of NVC).

Note that much of this can all be done without having to explain Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Note that you can add some of these pieces in after they've already had quite a bit of experience with making feelings and needs guesses. Or maybe you might not want to add these things in. Maybe getting to share having each other as teddy bears that make feelings and needs guesses is already getting to share a lot.

Practicing making NVC feelings and needs guesses with non-NVC people

Teddy Bear Talk Support sessions are often of benefit to the teddy bear as well as the talker. You can specify that you would like to benefit from using a Teddy Bear Talk Support session to practice your NVC skills. This is something you can do with non-NVC people if you explain NVC feelings and needs guesses to them and propose being a teddy bear that offers feelings and needs guesses.

Why feelings and needs guesses can make a big difference

Here is an excerpt (with bold added for emphasis) from the book You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy about research carried out by Graham Bodie, a professor of integrated marketing communication at the University of Mississippi:

People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story," Bodie told me. Trouble is, he and his colleagues have consistently found that most people are really bad at this. Their data suggests that listeners' responses are emotionally attuned to what speakers are saying less than 5 percent of the time, making your dog look pretty good by comparison.

Honoring everyone's needs and feelings

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) focuses on empathy, honesty, and understanding the needs of everyone involved in a conversation.

At the very least, we can hold each person's need with care. Honoring a need in this way doesn't mean that the need will get met, but it acknowledges what's going on for the person. Acknowledging and honoring feelings is important as well. We get a lot of messages about how we should and shouldn't feel. But, it seems to me that, no matter what, we can always at least acknowledge everyone's feelings. No matter why the feelings are there or whether or not they make sense, I can always validate that it's okay to have the feeling. I've collected together some non-NVC excerpts on acknowledging and validating on this webpage: https://4sharing.wulfenfoo.org/index.php?title=Acknowledging_and_validating

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication (OFNR)

NVC uses a simple four-part framework for understanding what's alive in us and others that helps us connect with what really matters. O - Observations What actually happened, without judgment or interpretation. Like a video camera recording facts.

Instead of: "You never listen to me" Try: "When I was talking about my day, you were looking at your phone" F - Feelings The emotions arising in you—actual feelings, not thoughts disguised as feelings.

Actual feelings: sad, frustrated, anxious, joyful, relieved Not feelings: "I feel like you don't care" (that's a thought/judgment) Example: "I feel hurt" N - Needs The universal human needs underlying your feelings. Everyone shares these needs—things like respect, understanding, safety, connection, rest, autonomy.

Example: "...because I need to be heard and to feel connected with you" R - Requests A specific, doable action you're asking for (not a demand). The other person can say no.

Instead of: "Pay attention to me" Try: "Would you be willing to put your phone away when we're talking, or let me know if now isn't a good time?" Putting it together: "When I was talking about my day and you were looking at your phone (O), I felt hurt (F), because I need to be heard and feel connected with you (N). Would you be willing to put your phone away when we're talking? (R)"

The magic isn't in the formula itself—it's in the awareness that develops as you practice distinguishing facts from judgments, feelings from thoughts, and identifying the needs behind your reactions.

Some would say though that although NVC is often presented as a technique for better communication—with its four-step process of observations, feelings, needs, and requests—its deeper purpose is actually transforming how we perceive and relate to ourselves and others.

Often it is more about it being an "inside job" in that it is about self-observation and consciousness-shifting. NVC asks us to:

Notice our habitual patterns of judgment, blame, and right-wrong thinking Develop consciousness about the needs driving all human behavior (ours and others') Cultivate presence with what's alive in us moment-to-moment Practice separating clean observations from evaluation/judgment, which is actually quite difficult Recognize the difference between strategies and needs - Strategies for meeting our needs can often be in conflict, whereas some argue that needs are never in conflict. So, it's important to see the difference between a strategy for getting a need met and the need itself. In this view, the structured communication format (of observations, feelings, needs, and requests) is more like a training wheel—a concrete practice that forces us to slow down and examine our internal landscape. The real transformation happens in the awareness itself: recognizing that anger is often a surface emotion pointing to unmet needs, or seeing how our language patterns perpetuate disconnection.

So someone might come to NVC wanting to "communicate better with their partner," but what they're actually signing up for is a sustained practice of self-observation and consciousness-shifting. The communication improvements are almost a side effect of this deeper awareness work.

The Usefulness of using OFNR in really difficult situations

Miki Kashtan on when she sees the usefulness of using OFNR (in a dialogue with Roxy Manning that also touches on how some people, unfortunately, expect everyone around them to use OFNR):

[I only use it] when we are trying to navigate a situation that is so difficult that it's like climbing on a very steep hill and you want to have a rail that you can hold on to because then you know that you will get to the top of that hill. It's a similar thing I want to use [OFNR] when we are in a really difficult situation and then I will tell people we are in a mess and I'm going to use a way of speaking that really sounds very stilted and the alternative to that is continuing to escalate our conflict so please bear with me. That's when I would do it. Roxy Manning: and for me it's that I'm doing it for myself. Miki Kashtan: It's like super easy [for some people to fall into expecting] everyone to learn this version of NVC I'm going to insist on everyone around me learning and using NVC so I don't have to do the work. Roxy Manning: If you want to have a conversation that's embedded in NVC Consciousness do your work and if the other person can't meet you, do more work do more of your own work but don't demand that they're the one who's wrong for not being able to do this thing that you want them to do.

Using OFNR can be off-putting

Some people who are even certified NVC trainers have beloved people in their lives that can't stand OFNR and insist that the person (who has learned NVC) don't speak to them using OFNR. So, OFNR can be off-putting to some people. The founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, told a story about how he handled things with his son when his son was impatient with how long things were taking because Marshall was trying to figure out how to talk in a different way:

Marshall was slowing down his responses at home because he was practicing NVC — checking in with himself before speaking.

His son complained, something like: “Dad, I don’t like how long it takes you to answer. It drives me crazy.”

Marshall replied honestly, not pedagogically. He said something like: “When I don’t take that time, I’m much more likely to say things you won’t enjoy hearing.”

There was a pause.

And then his son said: “Oh… well then take your time, Dad. Take your time.”

That was it.

Marshall would often pause there and let the room feel it.

When he reflected on this moment, he used it to point out something subtle but essential:

• He named a consequence, not a justification
• He didn’t say “this is good for you” or “this is NVC”
• He revealed his vulnerability, not his method

And once his son understood the need being served by the pause (care, restraint, protection of the relationship), the son’s objection disappeared — without persuasion.

Marshall sometimes followed this story with a line like:

“When people see the human reason behind our behavior, they often relax.”

or

“Needs don’t need defending — they just need revealing.”

How Giraffes and Jackals are used in NVC

• Giraffe Language and Jackal Language | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg

If you are speaking using NVC (speaking giraffe) or are able to hear what someone is saying using NVC (hearing with giraffe ears), then you are using giraffe language.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), jackal language is a metaphor for a style of communication characterized by judging, criticizing, analyzing, moralizing, accusing, and blaming.

NVC views this type of communication as "violent" or "life-alienating" because it can lead to defensiveness, resentment, and conflict, moving away from connection and understanding. Instead of focusing on shared humanity and needs, Jackal language often fuels disagreements and can escalate tensions.

In contrast to Jackal language, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) promotes "Giraffe language," which focuses on empathy, honesty, and understanding the needs of everyone involved in a conversation. Giraffe language encourages individuals to express themselves clearly and respectfully without resorting to blame, criticism, or accusations, and to listen to others with an openness to their feelings and needs.

Marshall Rosenberg videos on Observations and Requests

• How to make requests | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg - a highly recommended 20 minute video

• How to Express Observations | Nonviolent Communication explained by Marshall Rosenberg