Shortest version: Difference between revisions

From Teddy Bear Talk Support
Jump to navigation Jump to search
No edit summary
 
(122 intermediate revisions by 2 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
Teddy Bear Tech Support is about support that requires a minimal amount of "doing" on the part of the people that are providing the support.
<font color=044D39>
This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup.
It is almost the same as the [[Main Page|Main Page]].  The only difference is that the Main Page has two sections more than this page.  [[Main_Page#An_example|The two sections are right after the Table of Contents]] and are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.


Here’s just how minimal it can be:
To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|click here]].  This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear, and it was created so that talkers could direct new teddy bears to it to help them with getting up to speed.  This version includes a subset of the content from both the [[Main Page|Main Page]] and the [[More about Teddy Bear Talk Support|More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page]].
</font>


:There’s a story about a computer technical support office that had a teddy bear on the front counter.  The rule for people coming to the office was, before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support office were able to save a lot of time this way.


Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable.  There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you.''' As a result, the point of focus can change.  You can hear yourself differently.  What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.   
Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud.  It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple.  It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful.   


Teddy Bear Tech Support was inspired by the story about the teddy bear at the tech support office, but note well that <u>'''tech support is NOT what this is about!!!'''</u>
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:
 
Here are some examples of what someone might want to talk through with you when you're their teddy bear:
 
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start
*Prioritizing their day
*Making their intentions clearer for an email they just finished drafting out
*Fleshing out some different possibilities that could address an issue
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have


Here are some minimal things you might be asked to do as a teddy bear:
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref>
* serve as a silent witness
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what you've said
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
* make guesses at the core of what's important 


At the heart of what TBTS is about is giving talkers an environment
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable.  There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.
*where the focus is on bringing their own resources to bear to the matters at hand
*where the processing that the talkers are doing is to be supported with highest priority (so that the thoughts and impulses, e.g., to give advice, of the teddy bears don't threaten to encroach on the talker's processing)


So, with teddy bear setups, it’s about getting to interact with someone in a way that makes it so '''talkers are better able to help themselves'''.  As a teddy bear, a key part of your job involves staying out of the talker's way, and that's why what you're "doing" is kept to a minimum.
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears.  These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important.


You might not be "doing" much, but your presence and attention can make all the difference.
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about.  So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:
With you there holding the space with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear.  What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. The talker can hear themselves differently.  Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about


== Why minimal? Why have constraints? ==
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:
*purchasing something
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side
*handling a major life issue


One reason to constrain what teddy bears do to be minimal is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what you’ve said.  Or you could have it so the teddy bear's main job is just to prompt you to "Say more about ______" when they think it could be helpful.  
But, why would you [[Examples#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!?  The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone.  It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.


Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on.  Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking.  The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture.  You replace discipline with structure.  Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances.  The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things.  Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.


The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.  
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear.  What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker.  Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.


:…
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do:
* serve as a silent witness
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about
* serve as a scribe by writing down the parts of what the talker is saying that they ask you to


:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, honest and open questions, questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start
*Prioritizing their day
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have


The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person.  Here's a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions:  [http://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf http://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf]
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear.  Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation.  You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.


Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be minimal are:
<u>Setup examples:</u>
*so talkers are less in performance mode
*so the talker is more in more freely talking just see how things unfold mode
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics
*so there's more hearing and being with, more being there and just seeing what unfolds
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story of whatever they've been thinking about
*so we can connect more often in more different ways, because you can have teddy bears support talkers for short lengths of time with more different content
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into


Paraphrasing when asked to


:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes.  The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.


TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations.  A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can be talking more at length with a teddy bear.  A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit.  Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping us make one decision.  The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers."  The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently.  It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing


By being included in these "minimal" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys.
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom.  They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker.  They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat.  It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment.  Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.  


== How does the magic work? ==
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.
===Heard to speech===
Because you are there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me.  Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.


===Different spaces of possibilities===
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==


With TBTS, one important part of the magic is that talkers have lots of room for their own thoughts. Because of this, you can get some of the benefits of engaging with someone else and yet keep some of the benefits of working as if you were by yourself.
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said.


But, because you are doing most or all of the talking, of course, that means that the teddy bears aren't "doing" that much.  So, how are they able to help us when they are doing so little?  Well, the thing is, fairly random changes and differences ([[Variation_and_selection#Human_teddy_bears |even misunderstandings]]) can shake things up for us and lead us to very different spaces of possibilities.  Left to our own devices, this is going on, too, but 
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.   
teddy bears helpfully bring a different set of sources of variation.  You get different fodder for the process of [[Variation_and_selection |variation and selection]] to work with.  In other words, the combination of having many different new things to choose from and then getting to pick from them can take you a long ways.   


With TBTS, it sets up the circumstances for different sources of selection to be at work, for both you and your teddy bear.  Some things are getting to participate in your process and some aren't, from word choice to facial expressions, etc. There are selection processes (both conscious and unconscious) that are influencing how the different pieces of the puzzle are coming together, and they operate differently if you're talking to a teddy bear.  In addition to that, the teddy bear is also providing their own sources of selection. For example, with just a raise of the eyebrow, the teddy bear can weigh in on how fruitful they think it might be to continue with the way they think you are proceeding.
The following excerpts from [https://couragerenewal.org/library/the-clearness-committee-a-communal-approach-to-discernment/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:
 
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.  
Some of these selection processes will involve coming up with things by thinking through things, other things will just jump out at you.  Having a teddy bear along for the ride will cause different things to jump out at you automatically.  So, one reason to recruit a teddy bear is because things can feel much easier when they are happening automatically, and this can help you with building momentum and gaining traction.


===Imagining/simulating what is going on for the teddy bear===
:…


What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc.  These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.


So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself.  You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation.  You might start to see things from a third party perspective.  Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person.  [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions.  


So, what the talker is imagining is going on for the teddy bear can also be a big component of the magic.  Click [[Imagining | here to go to the Imagining]] wikipage to read about this component.
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics
*so there's more hearing and being with
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into


Note:  It's particularly interesting because what they are imagining need not be anything like what's actually going on for the teddy bear.  It's not about that. It's about ''your'' experience as the talker and what the imagining of these things does for you in terms of what you're then saying or thinking.


===Totally committing===


What totally committing to talking to a teddy bear can help with:
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations.  A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode.  A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit.  Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision.  The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently.  It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.
*Sometimes asking the right question seems like half the problem.  Talking to someone can make it more likely that the right question will get asked by the talker.
*Shifting out of one mode and into another. Often you can't get away with staying in certain modes when there is someone else with you.  Sometimes all it takes is their mere presence.
*Sometimes my problem is that I keep finding myself saying, “No, I don’t like that” and doing a lot of starting over.  So, I'm not able to commit to trying things out by going down just one path and continuing to build on it. 
**This can definitely happen with writing, where I spend a lot of time just thinking about writing instead of actually writing.  Sitting around thinking about writing (especially if you’re like me and want things to spring perfectly from your head) doesn’t get you to the same places (to say the least) as actually getting things out onto paper does.
**What can help is using a recording device (if not a real person) as a teddy bear.  Otherwise, sitting around thinking is precisely what happens for me when I try to talk out loud without a person or a recording device listening, I tend to trail off and shift back into just doing a lot of thinking without talking.
*What's key is to have it feel like '''someone or something is paying attention'''. Because of that, the space has been held for me to have a different process unfold.


==== Because of mere presence of a teddy bear ====
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.


Left to our own devices, we will tend to go down certain paths.  The mere presence of a teddy bear can be all it takes for us to be finding ourselves going down different sets of paths.  I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc.  What's key is to have it feel like '''someone or something is paying attention'''. Because of that, the space has been held for me to have a different process unfold.
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.
:-Rachel Naomi Remen


== Same page enough ==
==Heard to speech==
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me.  Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.


The beauty of TBTS is that you only have to be on the same page '''enough''' with your talker.  If they don't have the time or desire to get you fully up to speed with everything, they can still benefit from your support if the name of the game is to just be on the same page enough.
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."


It's fine if you can't follow what they're saying that closely. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like
*how we are experiencing being heard,  
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into,
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.


You only have to get the gist of some aspect of what they're talking about to be able to come along for the ride.  It could be just to see how frustrated they are with what's happening.  There are different things like this that you can follow about what's going on with the talker as they go along that allow your presence to be felt by the talker, especially if later the talker stumbles on a solution to what's been frustrating to them and you can then knowledgeably join in the celebration.
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==


Because all that's required is that you're both on the same page enough, this can help the talker get into [[Main_Page#Getting_something_down_vs_thinking_something_up_mode |freely improvising mode]].
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen.  It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.


Here's one example where it didn't take much to get my listener on the same page enough as me.  All I had to do was repeatedly say the words "grumble grumble grumble," and this proved to be a very satisfying way to do it. In fact, it definitely felt more satisfying than if I had spelled things out with more words.  Saying "grumble grumble grumble" over and over again was a great way to acknowledge, validate, and sit with how I was feeling.  The content of the words I would've said instead of "grumble grumble grumble" didn't matter. It was getting to feel the feeling that mattered. So, this made it so the content of the words didn't have undue influence.
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.


===Not the Teddy Bear's page instead of the Talker's===
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.
 
Here's a sentiment that often rings true for me: I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say. I get to find out what comes out of my mouth when I shift into think out loud mode.  So, I benefit a lot from getting to talk through things with people. As I talk, if I've found that I've said something particularly helpful or insightful, it helps if I can immediately take the ball and run with it.  But, I don't always get to. Often, I find myself feeling like I'm chasing the other person around. They've got their own ideas and their own agendas, and I'm trying to work within the rules of normal social dynamics to steer them back to a place that I want to explore.  


What TBTS is not about: Having the teddy bear expound on "If I were the talker, here's how ''I'' would go about things. 
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''


It's not to have the teddy bear do our work for us or live our lives for us.  In fact, when there's a tendency for these things, it's possible that setting up a clear teddy bear setup could allow us to interact with the person in a way that is more connecting (especially when it's someone who often makes lots of suggestions and who tends to have agendas for us).
== Ready to try it out? ==
===Possibilities===
So, what could you think through with someone?  Maybe you already have something in mind.  Like maybe you've got
*something you're musing about,  
*or something you're trying to fix,  
*or something you want to do a dry run for.  


== The gift of getting to witness/accompany and experience the journey ==
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.


Serving in the teddy bear role can provide us with the opportunity to hold the space for people in a way that develops our capacities to deeply listen. Here is a piece that speaks to that by David Castro on Learning to Listen.  It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== 
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?


:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email.  '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________.  Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________.  But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________.  Yes, that'll do the trick.  I think that's worth doing."


:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________.  But, can I really get myself to do that?  What if ___________?  Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________.  Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."


TBTS makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time.  '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''
====Scheduled====
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle.  For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
*More frequent helpful meetings.  Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule.  Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people.  Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.


=== Developing listening skills ===
====Spur of the moment====
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.


Teddy bears get to develop listening skills by getting to witness the power of listening as they make choices (in the teddy bear setups that have choices to be made) about when to do things like mirror back what they've heard and when to offer questions, and as they learn to ask questions that are more of a listening nature.
:See the section [[More_about_Teddy_Bear_Talk_Support#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]


I have a friend who often mentions that they find me skilled at listening and that they would really appreciate being able to be a better listener themselves.  I wonder if having experiences with being a silent witness teddy bear could help my friend become a better listener.
====Active learning====
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to.  Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.


If the rule is simply that the teddy bear remain silent, that can make things much easier for people not only in the moment but likely in the future as well.  This is a way the teddy bear can get to have experiences of what it's like to listen.  Seeing how things unfold when all that has been offered is listening will provide experiences of what can be made possible by the power of listening.  These experiences can yield a lasting impression that can help the teddy bear become inclined to make the choice to listen more in the future.
===Resources===
====On-call times====
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand.  If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.


=== Empowering to witness ===
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484====
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number:  (734) 531-9484‬.  Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent).  The voicemails left at this number vanish.  (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.)  I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device.  By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well.  Note:  Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over.  All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.


For me, I've found it empowering to see how effective it is when we are better able to explore our own ideas for ourselves. I've found it reassuring to watch people say things to themselves that I would've wanted to say to them (if I weren't being a silent witness).  It reminds me that what I want to do is hold the space with compassion and trust for the talker, knowing how empowering giving that kind of support can be for both me to witness and the talker to receive, and knowing that getting it is all too rare.
====Talk out loud with the Need a Listening Ear for 5 minutes? YouTube video====
- This is a video of someone who listens to you for 5 minutes:
https://youtu.be/Bk_R8ik5NLQ?t=63


== Can be hard to refrain ==  
==Connecting more and connecting differently==
The pull of doing what we usually do in conversations can be very strong.  When I have suggestions I think the talker could totally benefit from, I have a hard time resisting the urge not to try to offer them.


Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy:
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...


:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. 


== Kinds of support that a talker might be looking for==
What could help to change this?  Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for.  Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant?  What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?
*whatever is on their mind support
*feeling stuck support
*as if talking to an expert support (can help them prepare to talk to an actual expert)
*taking regular pitstops along the way with you support (for someone working on a long-term project, like a term paper, a book, or a thesis)
*don't feel like it support (including "before they're ready to start" support)
*to get even more support that complements the support they get from a partner or an advisor/mentor


== Teddy Bears recruiting Talkers ==
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.


I've talked about TBTS in terms of talkers recruiting teddy bears.  But, teddy bears can also recruit talkers.  For example, teddy bears that have retired from their careers can be of service to young talkers.  One thing this could help with is with finding talkers that they can be normal mentors to or normal friends with.
==Want to read more?==


Doing [https://www.thebalancecareers.com/what-is-job-shadowing-2062024 job shadowing] is another reason teddy bears might have for recruiting talkers.  If someone is wondering about what it would be like to be in a certain career field, sometimes they arrange to shadow/follow a person around on the job to experience what the job is like.  One way to do job shadowing is to have times where you serve as a teddy bear for the person you are shadowing.
[[More_about_Teddy_Bear_Talk_Support|Click here]] to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.


== Note: Work in progress ==
== Note: Work in progress ==
<font color=darkblue>  
<font color=044D39>  
This page is under construction.  What follows is a work in progress.  One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website.  So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu.   
This page is under construction.  One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website.  So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.   
 
</font>
One way to give TBTS a try is by going to the Opportunities Signup ([http://bitly.com/oppsignup bitly.com/oppsignup]), where you can find people you can schedule times to do Teddy Bear Tech Support with. 


Teddy Bear mode needn't last more than a couple minutes.  For me, it's often about talking about things that I am far from having worked out and need to do some casting about for a while without worrying about being all that coherent.  I often don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say.  So, I like being able to say, "Hey, let's flip into 'Teddy Bear' mode" when these things arise.  So, I put together this Teddy Bear Tech Support website to explain Teddy Bear mode, so that more people could at least benefit from these brief Teddy Bear interactions if not from the other kinds that I've described on this page.
==References==
</font>

Latest revision as of 19:49, 13 December 2024

This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. It is almost the same as the Main Page. The only difference is that the Main Page has two sections more than this page. The two sections are right after the Table of Contents and are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.

To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, click here. This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear, and it was created so that talkers could direct new teddy bears to it to help them with getting up to speed. This version includes a subset of the content from both the Main Page and the More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page.


Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful.

TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:

At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.[1]

Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you, even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way.

After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These "human teddy bears" would be operating in what I called "teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things, like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important.

Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can even talk to a teddy bear about:

  • something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't
  • something you're not the expert in, and you're pretending the teddy bear is wiser about

For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:

  • purchasing something
  • navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members
  • dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side
  • handling a major life issue

But, why would you want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be "heard to speech" by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear holding the space for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can

  • find out what you think by hearing what you have to say
  • be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things
  • be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful
  • be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.

What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what they're now thinking of.

The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference. With the teddy bear there holding the space with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.

Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do:

  • serve as a silent witness
  • do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said
  • offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)
  • make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about
  • serve as a scribe by writing down the parts of what the talker is saying that they ask you to

Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:

  • Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start
  • Prioritizing their day
  • Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out
  • Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have

Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.

Setup examples:

Paraphrasing when asked to

A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.

Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing

2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.

"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.

Why limited? Why have constraints?

One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said.

Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions.

The following excerpts from Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about:

Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience.
…
Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, honest and open questions, questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.

The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. Click here for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions.

Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:

  • so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold
  • so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode
  • so there's less need to handle social dynamics
  • so there's more hearing and being with
  • so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want
  • so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities
  • so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability
  • so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into


TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.

By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.

When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.
-Rachel Naomi Remen

Heard to speech

Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, because of how I'm experiencing being heard, I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.

As my co-working writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."

Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like

  • how we are experiencing being heard,
  • how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into,
  • and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.

The magic that the teddy bear can experience

Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.

When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.
After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.

Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.

Ready to try it out?

Possibilities

So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got

  • something you're musing about,
  • or something you're trying to fix,
  • or something you want to do a dry run for.

Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.

"Maybe I could ... "

Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?

  • For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. Maybe I could write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."
  • Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. Maybe I could always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."

Scheduled

  • Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.
  • More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.

Spur of the moment

  • "Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear.
See the section Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)

Active learning

  • Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.

Resources

On-call times

- One way to give TBTS a try is through the "on-call" times when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.

Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484

- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9484‬. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.

Talk out loud with the Need a Listening Ear for 5 minutes? YouTube video

- This is a video of someone who listens to you for 5 minutes: https://youtu.be/Bk_R8ik5NLQ?t=63

Connecting more and connecting differently

Here is an excerpt from the book You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy:

To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...
It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter.

What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?

I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.

Want to read more?

Click here to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.

Note: Work in progress

This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.

References

  1. ↑ Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, The Practice of Programming, Addison-Wesley (1999)
Retrieved from "http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Shortest_version&oldid=2143"