http://teddybeartalksupport.com/api.php?action=feedcontributions&feedformat=atom&user=WikiSysopTeddy Bear Talk Support - User contributions [en]2026-04-15T07:27:39ZUser contributionsMediaWiki 1.38.2http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2281MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:26:06Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-in class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
#p-tb { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-tb { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in nav#p-personal { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in div#left-navigation { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
#p-views { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-views { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Bottom links: "Privacy policy", "About", "Disclaimers" */<br />
#footer-places { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Bottom icons: CC, Powered by MediaWiki */<br />
#footer-icons { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2280MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:24:39Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-in class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
#p-tb { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-tb { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in nav#p-personal { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in div#left-navigation { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
#p-views { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-views { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Bottom links: "Privacy policy", "About", "Disclaimers" */<br />
#footer-places { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2279MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:23:59Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-in class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
#p-tb { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-tb { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in nav#p-personal { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in div#left-navigation { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
#p-views { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-views { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Bottom links: "Privacy policy", "About", "Disclaimers"<br />
#footer-places { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2278MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:19:24Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-in class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
#p-tb { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-tb { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in nav#p-personal { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in div#left-navigation { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
#p-views { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #p-views { display: inherit; }<br />
<br />
/* Bottom links: "Privacy policy", "About", "Disclaimers"<br />
#footer-places { display: none; }<br />
.user-logged-in #footer-places { display: inherit; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2277MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:16:28Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-out class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
#p-tb { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
#p-views { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.js&diff=2276MediaWiki:Common.js2026-02-24T00:15:13Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* Any JavaScript here will be loaded for all users on every page load. */<br />
<br />
/*<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.css which uses this class to hide MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
if (mw.config.values.wgUserId) {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-in');<br />
} else {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-out');<br />
}</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2275MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:14:37Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/*<br />
Below here are overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users.<br />
This works in conjunction with MediaWiki:Commons.js which applies the .user-logged-out class to the body tag.<br />
*/<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
.user-logged-out #p-tb { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
.user-logged-out nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
.user-logged-out div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
.user-logged-out #p-views { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2274MediaWiki:Common.css2026-02-24T00:00:42Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}<br />
<br />
/* Below here is overrides to hide various MediaWiki links/tabs from logged-out users */<br />
<br />
/* Sidebar: "Tools" */<br />
.user-logged-out #p-tb { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right: "Log in" */<br />
.user-logged-out nav#p-personal { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top left tabs: "Main", "Discussion" */<br />
.user-logged-out div#left-navigation { display: none; }<br />
<br />
/* Top right tabs: "Read", "View source", "View history" */<br />
.user-logged-out #p-views { display: none; }</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.js&diff=2273MediaWiki:Common.js2026-02-23T23:57:52Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* Any JavaScript here will be loaded for all users on every page load. */<br />
<br />
if (mw.config.values.wgUserId) {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-in');<br />
} else {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-out');<br />
}</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.js&diff=2272MediaWiki:Common.js2026-02-23T23:30:10Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* Any JavaScript here will be loaded for all users on every page load. */<br />
<br />
<script src="https://apxl.io/script.js"></script><br />
<script><br />
apxlTag.config("ea1c42b6-290f-4796-ac05-c604178ac58d");<br />
</script><br />
<script><br />
if (mw.config.values.wgUserId) {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-in');<br />
} else {<br />
document.body.classList.add('user-logged-out');<br />
}<br />
</script></div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=2220MediaWiki:Sidebar2025-11-27T21:00:53Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
* navigation<br />
** About|about<br />
** mainpage|mainpage-description<br />
** Workshops|Workshops<br />
** Book discussions|Book discussions<br />
**Bookable times and might be free times|Bookable times and might be free times<br />
** http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears <br />
**https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children|Guides for parents and children<br />
** recentchanges-url|recentchanges<br />
** Special:Allpages|All pages<br />
<br />
* SEARCH<br />
* TOOLBOX<br />
* LANGUAGES</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=2193MediaWiki:Sidebar2025-11-16T04:28:25Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
* navigation<br />
** About|about<br />
** mainpage|mainpage-description<br />
** Workshops|Workshops<br />
**Bookable times and might be free times|Bookable times and might be free times<br />
** http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears <br />
**https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children|Guides for parents and children<br />
** recentchanges-url|recentchanges<br />
** Special:Allpages|All pages<br />
<br />
* SEARCH<br />
* TOOLBOX<br />
* LANGUAGES</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=2192MediaWiki:Sidebar2025-11-16T04:27:56Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
* navigation<br />
** About|about<br />
** mainpage|mainpage-description<br />
** Workshops|Workshops<br />
**Bookable times and might be free times|Bookable_times_and_might_be_free_times<br />
** http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears <br />
**https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children|Guides for parents and children<br />
** recentchanges-url|recentchanges<br />
** Special:Allpages|All pages<br />
<br />
* SEARCH<br />
* TOOLBOX<br />
* LANGUAGES</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=2191MediaWiki:Sidebar2025-11-16T04:27:18Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
* navigation<br />
** About|about<br />
** mainpage|mainpage-description<br />
** Workshops|Workshops<br />
**Bookable_times_and_might_be_free_times|Bookable_times_and_might_be_free_times<br />
** http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears <br />
**https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children|Guides for parents and children<br />
** recentchanges-url|recentchanges<br />
** Special:Allpages|All pages<br />
<br />
* SEARCH<br />
* TOOLBOX<br />
* LANGUAGES</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=2190MediaWiki:Sidebar2025-11-16T04:25:10Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
* navigation<br />
** About|about<br />
** mainpage|mainpage-description<br />
** Workshops|Workshops<br />
** https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Bookable_times_and_might_be_free_times<br />
** http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears <br />
**https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children|Guides for parents and children<br />
** recentchanges-url|recentchanges<br />
** Special:Allpages|All pages<br />
<br />
* SEARCH<br />
* TOOLBOX<br />
* LANGUAGES</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Bookable_times_and_might_be_free_times&diff=2189Bookable times and might be free times2025-11-16T04:23:08Z<p>WikiSysop: Created page with "If you would like to offer times to serve as a "teddy bear" that people can call, please contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com. With most calls, we tend to split the time between the participants so that everyone gets a turn to be the talker. That's one reason why there is [https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Free no charge for these activities]. ==Might be free times for Leeann== [https://meaningfulaction.org/calendar/ Click here] to se..."</p>
<hr />
<div>If you would like to offer times to serve as a "teddy bear" that people can call, please contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@teddybeartalksupport.com.<br />
<br />
With most calls, we tend to split the time between the participants so that everyone gets a turn to be the talker. That's one reason why there is [https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Free no charge for these activities].<br />
<br />
==Might be free times for Leeann==<br />
<br />
[https://meaningfulaction.org/calendar/ Click here] to see a calendar that shows when Leeann might be free for doing Teddy Bear Talk Support. Feel free to try giving Leeann a phone call at times that are not marked as busy by calling (734) 237-7676.<br />
<br />
==Bookable times==<br />
<br />
With most calls, we tend to split the time between the participants so that everyone gets a turn to be the talker. That's one reason why there is [https://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Free no charge for these activities].<br />
<br />
===One-on-one times with Leeann===<br />
====Times for people who are new to Teddy Bear Talk Support and want to learn more====<br />
*[https://cal.com/teddybeartalksupport/learn Learn more] - Schedule a Zoom call with Leeann for 30 min, 45 min, or 60 min. You'll be able to click on the time duration you want (on the left) before selecting a time you want to meet (on the right).<br />
<br />
===Times that allow multiple people to sign up to join a Zoom call===<br />
<br />
*[https://cal.com/teddybeartalksupport/in-pairs In pairs] - Pair off and take turns being talkers<br />
*[https://cal.com/teddybeartalksupport/co-working Co-working] - Pair off and do 20 minute work periods interspersed with taking turns for 3 minutes each with being a talker<br />
*[https://cal.com/teddybeartalksupport/holdingspace Holding the Space Session] - A [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf modified version] of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears, and teddy bears are limited to only asking open, honest questions.<br />
*[https://cal.com/teddybeartalksupport/clearness Clearness Committee] - With the [https://couragerenewal.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Parker-Palmer_Clearness-Committee.pdf traditional Clearness Committee format], there is only one focus person for a 2-hour time period, and teddy bears are limited to only asking open, honest questions.<br />
<br />
==Asynchronous Teddy Bear Talk Support option==<br />
[[Sidekicks|Click here]] to read about how you can have a Teddy Bear Sidekick that you communicate with asynchronously.</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Suggestions_for_trying_it_out&diff=2183Suggestions for trying it out2025-07-22T03:45:54Z<p>WikiSysop: /* Arriving at a better place */</p>
<hr />
<div>Here are some easy ways to get started. <br />
<br />
"Maybe I could/what if" topics are easy ones to try with a teddy bear <br />
<br />
Get Teddy Bear Talk Support sessions scheduled for <br />
*getting self going<br />
*or checking in<br />
*or shifting gears<br />
*or for before they're ready stuff<br />
*or having TB serve as a stand-in for someone it'd be helpful to meet with<br />
**or to try talking to<br />
**or have a dry run with<br />
<br />
Grab a teddy bear in the spur of the moment<br />
*because "don't feel like it" is getting the better of them<br />
*something comes up that needs fixing or musing about<br />
<br />
Digest ideas with a teddy bear<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
== Recruiting a teddy bear ==<br />
<br />
You can point them to the [[Guide for teddy bears |"Guide for teddy bears"]] for getting up to speed on being a teddy bear.<br />
<br />
==Arriving at a better place==<br />
<br />
*Just for having spent the time at all. One way TBTS can be helpful is for getting you to spend time on things that you wouldn't otherwise spend time on without having a teddy bear on board with you.<br />
*Because it provides more pressure in some ways less pressure in others<br />
*Staying in the game because of the mere presence of the teddy bear - I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc.<br />
*I'll know that the teddy bear won't let me get away with bad self talk, and that'll prevent me from talking that way about myself.<br />
*The teddy bear's mere presence can serve as a touchstone to keep me operating in a particular mode.<br />
*Or, it could be that I know I won't always have a teddy bear with me, so wanting to take advantage of that can get me to prioritize.<br />
<br />
[[File:Screenshot_2025-07-21_at_11.27.14_PM.png|class=halfwidth|link=]]</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2182MediaWiki:Common.css2025-07-22T03:45:35Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.halfwidth {<br />
width: 50% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Suggestions_for_trying_it_out&diff=2181Suggestions for trying it out2025-07-22T03:44:58Z<p>WikiSysop: /* Arriving at a better place */</p>
<hr />
<div>Here are some easy ways to get started. <br />
<br />
"Maybe I could/what if" topics are easy ones to try with a teddy bear <br />
<br />
Get Teddy Bear Talk Support sessions scheduled for <br />
*getting self going<br />
*or checking in<br />
*or shifting gears<br />
*or for before they're ready stuff<br />
*or having TB serve as a stand-in for someone it'd be helpful to meet with<br />
**or to try talking to<br />
**or have a dry run with<br />
<br />
Grab a teddy bear in the spur of the moment<br />
*because "don't feel like it" is getting the better of them<br />
*something comes up that needs fixing or musing about<br />
<br />
Digest ideas with a teddy bear<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
== Recruiting a teddy bear ==<br />
<br />
You can point them to the [[Guide for teddy bears |"Guide for teddy bears"]] for getting up to speed on being a teddy bear.<br />
<br />
==Arriving at a better place==<br />
<br />
*Just for having spent the time at all. One way TBTS can be helpful is for getting you to spend time on things that you wouldn't otherwise spend time on without having a teddy bear on board with you.<br />
*Because it provides more pressure in some ways less pressure in others<br />
*Staying in the game because of the mere presence of the teddy bear - I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc.<br />
*I'll know that the teddy bear won't let me get away with bad self talk, and that'll prevent me from talking that way about myself.<br />
*The teddy bear's mere presence can serve as a touchstone to keep me operating in a particular mode.<br />
*Or, it could be that I know I won't always have a teddy bear with me, so wanting to take advantage of that can get me to prioritize.<br />
<br />
[[File:Screenshot_2025-07-21_at_11.27.14_PM.png|class=fullwidth|link=]]</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=2180MediaWiki:Common.css2025-07-22T03:44:28Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>/* CSS placed here will be applied to all skins */<br />
body { font-size: 23px; }<br />
<br />
img.fullwidth {<br />
width: 100% !important;<br />
height: auto;<br />
display: block;<br />
}</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=File:HandoutDecember2023TBTSworkshop.pdf&diff=1879File:HandoutDecember2023TBTSworkshop.pdf2023-12-10T16:57:53Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
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<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support is a way to help people be able to talk through things. How it works is that one person listens while another person talks. The listener is called the teddy bear because the listener does a special kind of listening which involves very little talking. The only talking that the teddy bear does happens only when the talker asks for it. For example, the talker might ask the teddy bear to use the teddy bear’s own words to say back some of what the talker has said. Or the talker might ask the teddy bear to make guesses at how the talker is feeling.<br />
<br />
Sometimes just getting to say things out loud to someone can make a big difference. Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it so that all you have to do to get that is to say, “Can you be my teddy bear?”</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=1729MediaWiki:Sidebar2023-10-03T23:39:50Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
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<div>*[[Guide for younger children | Guide for younger children]]<br />
*[[Guide for middle schoolers and high schoolers | Guide for middle schoolers and high schoolers]]</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guides_for_parents_and_children&diff=1726Guides for parents and children2023-10-03T23:37:21Z<p>WikiSysop: Created page with " Guide for younger children Guide for middle schoolers and high schoolers"</p>
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[[Guide for younger children | Guide for younger children]]<br />
[[Guide for middle schoolers and high schoolers | Guide for middle schoolers and high schoolers]]</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=1570MediaWiki:Sidebar2023-07-16T22:38:09Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
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<div><font color=044D39> <br />
This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
It is almost the same as the [[Main Page|Main Page]]. The Main Page has two sections that are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.<br />
<br />
To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|click here]]. This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear. This version includes content from both the [[Main Page|Main Page]] and from the [[More about Teddy Bear Talk Support|More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page]].<br />
</font><br />
<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Complete_version#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
'''Note that you are reading the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. To go to the unabridged, complete version, [[Complete_version|click here]]. These two versions are the same up until the table of contents.''' <br />
<br />
'''There is also a medium-length version, called the [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears]]. I created it so that talkers could direct new teddy bears there to help them with getting up to speed. It's written so that the pronouns fit for a reader who is a teddy bear.'''<br />
</font><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
The page that you are on contains the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#How_does_the_magic_work.3F|Click here]] to go to the "How does the magic work?" section of the unabridged, complete version.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Shortest_version&diff=1403Shortest version2022-03-31T02:24:42Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><font color=044D39> <br />
This page is the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
It is almost the same as the [[Main Page|Main Page]]. The Main Page has two sections that are collapsed by default so that readers are given the option of either skipping those sections or expanding them so they can read them.<br />
<br />
To go to the medium-length Guide for teddy bears version, [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|click here]]. This is a version written so that the pronouns fit for a reader that is a teddy bear. This version includes content from both the [[Main Page|Main Page]] and from the [[More about Teddy Bear Talk Support|More about Teddy Bear Talk Support page]].<br />
</font><br />
<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing much," while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Complete_version#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
'''Note that you are reading the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. To go to the unabridged, complete version, [[Complete_version|click here]]. These two versions are the same up until the table of contents.''' <br />
<br />
'''There is also a medium-length version, called the [[Guide_for_teddy_bears|Guide for teddy bears]]. I created it so that talkers could direct new teddy bears there to help them with getting up to speed. It's written so that the pronouns fit for a reader who is a teddy bear.'''<br />
</font><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
The page that you are on contains the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#How_does_the_magic_work.3F|Click here]] to go to the "How does the magic work?" section of the unabridged, complete version.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Guide_for_teddy_bears&diff=1402Guide for teddy bears2022-03-31T02:18:39Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while a talker talks out loud. The beauty of Teddy Bear Talk Support is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. How can you grab just about anyone and get to have them be of help to you? TBTS offers some answers. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''human teddy bears''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, the talker can talk to a teddy bear about something the teddy bear is knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, talkers can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something the talker knows a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something the talker is not the expert in, and the talker is ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in the talker's side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would a talker [[Examples#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what they're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for the talker with their interest, presence, and attention so that the talker can<br />
*find out what they think by hearing what they have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that they find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with a teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Here are some different things you might be asked to do as a teddy bear: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
At the heart of what TBTS is about is giving talkers an environment <br />
*where the focus is on bringing their own resources to bear to the matters at hand<br />
*where the processing that the talkers are doing is to be supported with highest priority (so that the thoughts and impulses, e.g., to give advice, of the teddy bears don't threaten to encroach on the talker's processing)<br />
<br />
So, with teddy bear setups, it’s about getting to interact with someone in a way that makes it so '''talkers are better able to help themselves'''. As a teddy bear, a key part of your job involves staying out of the talker's way, and that's why what you're "doing" is kept to a minimum.<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. A clear, simple setup makes it so that both the talker and the teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
== How does the magic work? ==<br />
===Heard to speech===<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As a talker, I'm in the here and now with the teddy bear having this one particular interaction. It's a different context, a supportive context, that the listener is helping to create, and it offers this opportunity to take a stab at discovering what happens as I hear what I have to say.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
===Mere presence of a teddy bear===<br />
Left to our own devices, we will tend to go down certain paths. The mere presence of a teddy bear can be all it takes for us to be finding ourselves going down different sets of paths. I might be able to stay more focused on what's important or what needs the most attention, or have better self talk, or think more big picture, etc.<br />
<br />
Here are some other possibilities that could all just be from the mere presence of the teddy bear or could involve the teddy bear playing a more active role:<br />
<br />
*You're getting to hear how it sounds to yourself to be saying these things.<br />
*You might uncover assumptions that you didn't even know that you were making.<br />
*The setup puts you in a whole different mindset than before.<br />
*The teddy bear's presence has you benefiting from the feeling that help is right within reach.<br />
*Having a teddy bear along for the ride can cause different things to jump out at you automatically. So, one reason to recruit a teddy bear is because things can feel much easier when they are happening automatically, and this can help you with building momentum and gaining traction.<br />
<br />
===Imagining/simulating what is going on for the teddy bear===<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
Note that if you're just imagining what's going on for the teddy bear, not only does the teddy bear not have to say anything, but you're not having to respond to anything. So, you can keep a lot of the benefits of working as if you were by yourself and yet still benefit from engaging with someone else. <br />
It doesn't take the time it would take for them to say things to you or for you to respond to these things, and it doesn't take the managing of social dynamics to handle these things.<br />
<br />
One thing that's particularly interesting with TBTS is that what you are imagining need not be anything like what's actually going on for the teddy bear. It doesn't have to be about that. It can be about ''your'' experience as the talker and what the imagining of these things does for you in terms of what you're then saying or thinking.<br />
<br />
===Small things can make big differences===<br />
<br />
So, it might be something the talker is "inaccurately" imagining is going on for the teddy bear that leads to an insight, or it [[Different_spaces_of_possibilities#Misunderstanding_as_a_source_of_helpful_variation |can even be a misunderstanding]] that provides just what you needed. It might be any number of things and they can be anything from fairly random to more predictably helpful. What the talker finds helpful can have many sources, including: <br />
*something about the teddy bear's presence causes you to talk about things in a different order, and that makes something you've been avoiding working on much easier to handle<br />
*a word that gets said that makes an idea pop into your head<br />
*the teddy bear raises an eyebrow and that changes everything<br />
*the teddy bear provides needed extra emphasis on something by mirroring it back to you<br />
*the teddy bear leaves out an important point while mirroring back what you said, and leaving it out helps to highlight it for you. This might cause you to then say it again or rephrase it for your teddy bear or flesh out more of why it’s important to you, and you might find doing one of these things to be particularly helpful.<br />
<br />
===Totally committing===<br />
<br />
*Sometimes my problem is that I keep finding myself saying, “No, I don’t like that” and doing a lot of starting over. So, I'm not able to commit to trying things out by going down just one path and continuing to build on it. <br />
**This can definitely happen with writing, where I spend a lot of time just thinking about writing instead of actually writing. Sitting around thinking about writing (especially if you’re like me and want things to spring perfectly from your head) doesn’t get you to the same places (to say the least) as actually getting things out onto paper does. <br />
**What can help is using a recording device (if not a real person) as a teddy bear. Otherwise, sitting around thinking is precisely what happens for me when I try to talk out loud without a person or a recording device listening, I tend to trail off and shift back into just doing a lot of thinking without talking. <br />
*What's key is to have it feel like '''someone or something is paying attention'''. Because of that, the space has been held for me to have a different process unfold.<br />
<br />
===What's not happening and what's not blocking the talker===<br />
For the power of listening to work it's magic, there needs to be things that are not happening. Some things that tend to happen in normal conversation are more innocent, whereas other things that tend to happen are more easily seen as having big drawbacks. In both cases, these habitual ways of talking can be helpful at times, and '''there ''can'' be a place for them''' when you're '''not''' doing Teddy Bear Talk Support.<br />
<br />
I'll talk about the latter first by sharing a handout from a [https://www.greatlakesnvc.com/events training program] on [[Nonviolent communication|Nonviolent Communication]] that I attended: [[Media:DeflectiveListeningEmpathyBlockers.pdf|DeflectiveListeningEmpathyBlockers.pdf]]<br />
<br />
The handout has a list of what are called empathy blockers on it. Being in empathy with someone is getting a sense for what they're going through in a caring way. The person can then feel like you understand and that you "get it." Empathy blockers make it harder to have the ability to be in empathy with someone. They can shut the person down or make it less likely that they'll provide you with the information that can help you to understand. <br />
<br />
Many of the examples on the list are natural ways in which we are used to responding and are often well-intentioned. Notice that many of them involve your having an agenda that you are now trying to talk to the person about and that part of the magic of TBTS is to make it so that the talker can use their time for just their agendas. <br />
<br />
It's so easy to have agendas. It's so easy for our assumptions, judgments, and advice to get in the way of connecting with someone. In the next section, we'll see what can happen for the teddy bear if these more innocent parts of normal conversation are not coming into play.<br />
<br />
===The magic that the teddy bear can experience===<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
TBTS makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#Windows_into_Talkers.27_Worlds_and_into_Teddy_Bears.27_Own_Worlds|Click here]] for some other gifts that teddy bears can get from "engaging minimally."<br />
<br />
== Same page enough ==<br />
<br />
The beauty of TBTS is that you only have to be on the same page '''enough''' with your talker. If they don't have the time or desire to get you fully up to speed with everything, they can still benefit from your support if the name of the game is to just be on the same page enough.<br />
<br />
It's fine if you can't follow what they're saying that closely. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
You only have to get the gist of some aspect of what they're talking about to be able to come along for the ride. It could be just to see how frustrated they are with what's happening. There are different things like this that you can follow about what's going on with the talker as they go along that allow your presence to be felt by the talker, especially if later the talker stumbles on a solution to what's been frustrating to them and you can then knowledgeably join in the celebration.<br />
<br />
Because all that's required is that you're both on the same page enough, this can help the talker get into [[Complete_version#Getting_something_down_vs_thinking_something_up_mode |freely improvising mode]].<br />
<br />
Here's one example where it didn't take much to get my listener on the same page enough as me. All I had to do was repeatedly say the words "grumble grumble grumble," and this proved to be a very satisfying way to do it. In fact, it definitely felt more satisfying than if I had spelled things out with more words. Saying "grumble grumble grumble" over and over again was a great way to acknowledge, validate, and sit with how I was feeling. The content of the words I would've said instead of "grumble grumble grumble" didn't matter. It was getting to feel the feeling that mattered. So, this made it so the content of the words didn't have undue influence.<br />
<br />
===Not the Teddy Bear's page instead of the Talker's===<br />
<br />
Here's a sentiment that often rings true for me: I don't know what I think until I've heard what I've had to say. I get to find out what comes out of my mouth when I shift into think out loud mode. So, I benefit a lot from getting to talk through things with people. As I talk, if I've found that I've said something particularly helpful or insightful, it helps if I can immediately take the ball and run with it. But, I don't always get to. Often, I find myself feeling like I'm chasing the other person around. They've got their own ideas and their own agendas, and I'm trying to work within the rules of normal social dynamics to steer them back to a place that I want to explore. <br />
<br />
What TBTS is not about: Having the teddy bear expound on "If I were the talker, here's how ''I'' would go about things. <br />
<br />
It's not to have the teddy bear do our work for us or live our lives for us. In fact, when there's a tendency for these things, it's possible that setting up a clear teddy bear setup could allow us to interact with the person in a way that is more connecting (especially when it's someone who often makes lots of suggestions and who tends to have agendas for us).<br />
<br />
== Developing listening skills ==<br />
<br />
Teddy bears get to develop listening skills by getting to witness the power of listening as they make choices (in the teddy bear setups that have choices to be made) about when to do things like mirror back what they've heard and when to offer questions, and as they learn to ask questions that are more of a listening nature.<br />
<br />
I have a friend who often mentions that they find me skilled at listening and that they would really appreciate being able to be a better listener themselves. I wonder if having experiences with being a silent witness teddy bear could help my friend become a better listener.<br />
<br />
If the rule is simply that the teddy bear remain silent, that can make things much easier for people not only in the moment but likely in the future as well. This is a way the teddy bear can get to have experiences of what it's like to listen. Seeing how things unfold when all that has been offered is listening will provide experiences of what can be made possible by the power of listening. These experiences can yield a lasting impression that can help the teddy bear become inclined to make the choice to listen more in the future.<br />
<br />
== Empowering to witness ==<br />
<br />
For me, I've found it empowering to see how effective it is when we are better able to explore our own ideas for ourselves. I've found it reassuring to watch people say things to themselves that I would've wanted to say to them (if I weren't being a silent witness). When I first tried providing silent support, it did seem a little crazy to me. Really, you don't say anything at all to the talker? But, seeing that what I wanted to tell them would sometimes come out of their mouths helped me trust more in this process that seemed a bit crazy to me. They know, too. They are able to help themselves, too. I found it empowering to see how we have the wisdom to help ourselves. <br />
<br />
These experiences remind me that what I want to do is hold the space with compassion and trust for the talker, knowing how empowering giving that kind of support can be (both for me to witness and for the talker to receive) and knowing that getting it is all too rare.<br />
<br />
== If it's hard to refrain from offering suggestions and advice == <br />
The pull of doing what we usually do in conversations can be very strong. When I have suggestions I think the talker could totally benefit from, I have a hard time resisting the urge not to try to offer them.<br />
<br />
Something I can say to myself in these situations is "But, that's not why I'm here." There's a process that I'm taking part in, and that process in and of itself is offering something of great worth to the talker. It's easy to get sucked in by the specific content and to not prioritize the process over the content.<br />
<br />
We can trust in the process and trust in helping the talker '''find their own answers'''.<br />
<br />
Our gift to give the talker is our presence. So, when we're tempted to offer suggestions, it can help to notice and be curious about our impulses to offer suggestions. What's driving this? What's up for us? We might try getting curious about what it's like to be having this experience and sitting with that as just one of many experiences that we can have. Getting present with what's going on for us can help us to let it go more easily. It can help with returning our attention to holding the space for what's going on for the talker.<br />
<br />
Being constrained to not provide suggestions and advice can feel like a limitation. But, it can also feel freeing. With TBTS, you don't need to do much of what you normally need to do in a conversation. Instead, there's more bandwidth for you to appreciate the beauty of being with someone.<br />
<br />
=== Unconditional respectful regard ===<br />
<br />
:The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change but accepting us exactly as we are. And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead, it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out—a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires. <br />
: -Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life<br />
<br />
== Kinds of support that a talker might be looking for==<br />
*whatever is on their mind support <br />
*feeling stuck support<br />
*as if talking to an expert support (can help them prepare to talk to an actual expert)<br />
*taking regular pitstops along the way with you support (for someone working on a long-term project, like a term paper, a book, or a thesis) <br />
*don't feel like it support (including "before they're ready to start" support)<br />
*to get even more support that complements the support they get from a partner or an advisor/mentor<br />
<br />
== Teddy Bears recruiting Talkers ==<br />
<br />
I've talked about TBTS in terms of talkers recruiting teddy bears. But, teddy bears can also recruit talkers. For example, teddy bears that have retired from their careers can be of service to young talkers. One thing this could help with is with finding talkers that they can be normal mentors to or normal friends with.<br />
<br />
Doing [https://www.thebalancecareers.com/what-is-job-shadowing-2062024 job shadowing] is another reason teddy bears might have for recruiting talkers. If someone is wondering about what it would be like to be in a certain career field, sometimes they arrange to shadow/follow a person around on the job to experience what the job is like. One way to do job shadowing is to have times where you serve as a teddy bear for the person you are shadowing.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
<br />
One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Experiment&diff=1401Experiment2022-03-31T02:17:39Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>==Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597==<br />
Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over.<br />
<br />
==Recordings that don't vanish==<br />
But, what if you do want access to the recordings, and/or you do want someone else to listen to the recording?<br />
<br />
If you're an Apple user, you can use the Voice Memos app on your iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, or Mac. [https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT206775 Click here] for instructions on how to make recordings, manage them, and share them.<br />
<br />
If you have an Android phone, [https://academy.izi.travel/help/production/voice-recording-on-an-android-smart-phone-and-transferring-audio-files-to-a-computer/ here's an option.]<br />
<br />
===WhatsApp===<br />
Another option is to use Whatsapp. <br />
<br />
To record a voice message, use the microphone icon to the right of where you would type a message. For more details, [https://faq.whatsapp.com/android/chats/how-to-send-voice-messages/?lang=en click here].<br />
<br />
If you want to send these voice messages just to yourself, [https://gadgets.ndtv.com/how-to/features/whatsapp-how-to-chat-with-yourself-take-notes-to-do-grocery-list-steps-guide-2373431 click here] for instructions.<br />
<br />
==Examples==<br />
Here are some different setups for what teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* or make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some examples of what someone might want to talk through with you when you're their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Fleshing out some different possibilities that could address an issue<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
*Talking through something that the teddy bear [[Examples#An_example|won't be able to follow closely, including starting in the middle of a story]]<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, will Teddy Bear Talk Support make it easier to reach out and connect with people? Easier for talkers to ask someone to be their teddy bear? Easier for someone to introduce the idea of Teddy Bear Talk Support to a potential talker and offer to be their teddy bear on the fly? The hope is, yes!<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing Bear<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later.</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Main_Page&diff=1400Main Page2022-03-31T02:16:59Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Examples#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
==An example==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. '''It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.''' They can still [[Holding the space |hold the space]] for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.<br />
<br />
But they ''are'' doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.<br />
<br />
Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.''' I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it]. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
==What situations might you talk about?==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Anything you might want to think out loud about [[Examples#Talking_out_loud_on_paper_examples | (or out on paper about)]]. Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction. Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is. Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled. Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on. <br />
<br />
For example, you might be working on an elevator pitch for being able to quickly tell someone about a project. You have already succinctly written out the "What?" and the "How?" for your project. Now, you're working on saying more about the "Why?" and seeing if you can get that in as close to the beginning of your elevator pitch as you can.<br />
<br />
Or, you might be needing to initiate a difficult conversation with someone and be wanting to figure out what requests you might want to make of the person.<br />
<br />
Or it could be something really quick and simple, like wanting to come up with a sentence or two to make a transition from one paragraph to the next in something you're writing.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
[[More_about_Teddy_Bear_Talk_Support|Click here]] to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Examples&diff=1399Examples2022-03-31T02:16:19Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
== Not real live listeners in real time examples ==<br />
<br />
For some, being a talker in a Teddy Bear Talk Support setup will seem very natural, and you can just start talking. For others, finding out what comes out of your mouth as you go along might not sound like such a comfortable idea to you. TBTS is about benefiting from operating in different modes than usual, often because the environment easily and automatically gets you into a different mode. Being told "Just open your mouth and see what happens" with a real live person in front of you might not be such an environment for you. So, what might such an environment look like for you? Using a recording device as a listener, writing to a listener, asking the listener to do some talking while having the focus be on your getting to react to what they're saying, there's all kinds of ways to include a listener in your process.<br />
<br />
For me, I’ve had a listener that I’ve sent emails to. What I asked of the listener was to simply respond to the emails with “I read your email." Simply having someone I was sending emails to was a game changer for me.<br />
<br />
=== Talking out loud on paper examples ===<br />
<br />
==== Dear Byron ====<br />
<br />
Here's an example of how helpful it can be to have someone on the receiving end as you talk through where you’re stuck with something you’re trying to write. It's from the last paragraph of the excerpt you can find on: http://tomwolfe.com/KandyKoloredExcerpt.html<br />
<br />
:... But at first I couldn't even write the story. I came back to New York and just sat around worrying over the thing. I had a lot of trouble analyzing exactly what I had on my hands. By this time Esquire practically had a gun at my head because they had a two-page-wide color picture for the story locked into the printing presses and no story. Finally, I told Byron Dobell, the managing editor at Esquire, that I couldn't pull the thing together. O.K., he tells me, just type out my notes and send them over and he will get somebody else to write it. So about 8 o'clock that night I started typing the notes out in the form of a memorandum that began, "Dear Byron." I started typing away, starting right with the first time I saw any custom cars in California. I just started recording it all, and inside of a couple of hours, typing along like a madman, I could tell that something was beginning to happen. By midnight this memorandum to Byron was twenty pages long and I was still typing like a maniac. About 2 A.M. or something like that I turned on WABC, a radio station that plays rock and roll music all night long, and got a little more manic. I wrapped up the memorandum about 6:15 A.M., and by this time it was 49 pages long. I took it over to Esquire as soon as they opened up, about 9:30 A.M. About 4 P.M. I got a call from Byron Dobell. He told me they were striking out the "Dear Byron" at the top of the memorandum and running the rest of it in the magazine. That was the story, "The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby."<br />
<br />
==Ways to recruit listeners==<br />
<br />
Ask your listener: “Hey, I’m in a tough situation with another person, and I could use a sounding board. Do you have a few minutes where I can have you just listen while I tell you what’s happening? Then, at the end, can I have you tell me what you think my main struggle is?”<br />
<br />
==An example==<br />
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. '''It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.''' They can still [[Holding the space |hold the space]] for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.<br />
<br />
But they ''are'' doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.<br />
<br />
Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.''' I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it]. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Examples&diff=1398Examples2022-03-31T02:10:56Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
== Not real live listeners in real time examples ==<br />
<br />
For some, being a talker in a Teddy Bear Talk Support setup will seem very natural, and you can just start talking. For others, finding out what comes out of your mouth as you go along might not sound like such a comfortable idea to you. TBTS is about benefiting from operating in different modes than usual, often because the environment easily and automatically gets you into a different mode. Being told "Just open your mouth and see what happens" with a real live person in front of you might not be such an environment for you. So, what might such an environment look like for you? Using a recording device as a listener, writing to a listener, asking the listener to do some talking while having the focus be on your getting to react to what they're saying, there's all kinds of ways to include a listener in your process.<br />
<br />
For me, I’ve had a listener that I’ve sent emails to. What I asked of the listener was to simply respond to the emails with “I read your email." Simply having someone I was sending emails to was a game changer for me.<br />
<br />
=== Talking out loud on paper examples ===<br />
<br />
==== Dear Byron ====<br />
<br />
Here's an example of how helpful it can be to have someone on the receiving end as you talk through where you’re stuck with something you’re trying to write. It's from the last paragraph of the excerpt you can find on: http://tomwolfe.com/KandyKoloredExcerpt.html<br />
<br />
:... But at first I couldn't even write the story. I came back to New York and just sat around worrying over the thing. I had a lot of trouble analyzing exactly what I had on my hands. By this time Esquire practically had a gun at my head because they had a two-page-wide color picture for the story locked into the printing presses and no story. Finally, I told Byron Dobell, the managing editor at Esquire, that I couldn't pull the thing together. O.K., he tells me, just type out my notes and send them over and he will get somebody else to write it. So about 8 o'clock that night I started typing the notes out in the form of a memorandum that began, "Dear Byron." I started typing away, starting right with the first time I saw any custom cars in California. I just started recording it all, and inside of a couple of hours, typing along like a madman, I could tell that something was beginning to happen. By midnight this memorandum to Byron was twenty pages long and I was still typing like a maniac. About 2 A.M. or something like that I turned on WABC, a radio station that plays rock and roll music all night long, and got a little more manic. I wrapped up the memorandum about 6:15 A.M., and by this time it was 49 pages long. I took it over to Esquire as soon as they opened up, about 9:30 A.M. About 4 P.M. I got a call from Byron Dobell. He told me they were striking out the "Dear Byron" at the top of the memorandum and running the rest of it in the magazine. That was the story, "The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby."<br />
<br />
==Ways to recruit listeners==<br />
<br />
Ask your listener: “Hey, I’m in a tough situation with another person, and I could use a sounding board. Do you have a few minutes where I can have you just listen while I tell you what’s happening? Then, at the end, can I have you tell me what you think my main struggle is?”</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Main_Page&diff=1392Main Page2022-03-31T01:51:01Z<p>WikiSysop: /* Want to read more? */</p>
<hr />
<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Complete_version#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
==An example==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">An example</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. '''It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.''' They can still [[Holding the space |hold the space]] for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.<br />
<br />
But they ''are'' doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.<br />
<br />
Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.''' I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it]. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
==What situations might you talk about?==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">What situations might you talk about?</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Anything you might want to think out loud about [[Examples#Talking_out_loud_on_paper_examples | (or out on paper about)]]. Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction. Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is. Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled. Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on. <br />
<br />
For example, you might be working on an elevator pitch for being able to quickly tell someone about a project. You have already succinctly written out the "What?" and the "How?" for your project. Now, you're working on saying more about the "Why?" and seeing if you can get that in as close to the beginning of your elevator pitch as you can.<br />
<br />
Or, you might be needing to initiate a difficult conversation with someone and be wanting to figure out what requests you might want to make of the person.<br />
<br />
Or it could be something really quick and simple, like wanting to come up with a sentence or two to make a transition from one paragraph to the next in something you're writing.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#How_does_the_magic_work.3F|Click here]] to go to the "More about Teddy Bear Talk Support" page.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Main_Page&diff=1391Main Page2022-03-31T01:49:09Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Complete_version#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
==An example==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">An example</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. '''It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.''' They can still [[Holding the space |hold the space]] for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.<br />
<br />
But they ''are'' doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.<br />
<br />
Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.''' I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it]. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
==What situations might you talk about?==<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">What situations might you talk about?</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Anything you might want to think out loud about [[Examples#Talking_out_loud_on_paper_examples | (or out on paper about)]]. Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction. Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is. Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled. Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on. <br />
<br />
For example, you might be working on an elevator pitch for being able to quickly tell someone about a project. You have already succinctly written out the "What?" and the "How?" for your project. Now, you're working on saying more about the "Why?" and seeing if you can get that in as close to the beginning of your elevator pitch as you can.<br />
<br />
Or, you might be needing to initiate a difficult conversation with someone and be wanting to figure out what requests you might want to make of the person.<br />
<br />
Or it could be something really quick and simple, like wanting to come up with a sentence or two to make a transition from one paragraph to the next in something you're writing.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
The page that you are on contains the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#How_does_the_magic_work.3F|Click here]] to go to the "How does the magic work?" section of the unabridged, complete version.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=Main_Page&diff=1390Main Page2022-03-31T01:46:43Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
<hr />
<div>Teddy Bear Talk Support (TBTS) is about getting to think better by thinking out loud. It's about creating opportunities for having a listener along for the ride who isn't "doing" much, while you talk out loud. The beauty of TBTS is that it's simple. It may not sound like much, but its effects can be profound and powerful. <br />
<br />
TBTS was inspired by a story about a teddy bear:<br />
<br />
:At a university computer center in the 1990s, there was a technical support help desk that had a teddy bear to greet you when you came for help. The rule was that before you could talk to an actual person, you had to first explain the problem you were having with your computer to the teddy bear. If talking to the teddy bear solved your problem, then you'd be on your way and you wouldn't have taken up any of the real people's time. Many problems fell in this category, and so the people who worked at this tech support help desk were able to save a lot of time this way.<ref>Brian W. Kernighan & Rob Pike, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Practice_of_Programming ''The Practice of Programming''], Addison-Wesley (1999)</ref><br />
<br />
Having another mind to think through things with is very valuable. There are plenty of cases where all that the other mind needs to provide is a forum for having you say things out loud to someone. '''You automatically bring yourself to the situation in a different way if there's someone else holding the space with you''', even if they're not saying anything. As a result, you can hear yourself differently. What you have to say can unfold in a very different way. <br />
<br />
After learning of the teddy bear story, I started thinking about how humans could serve as teddy bears. These '''"human teddy bears"''' would be operating in what I called '''"teddy bear mode," where they were only listening, or where they could also do a few other limited things''', like ask open, honest questions, or make guesses about what seemed important. <br />
<br />
Of course, you can talk to a teddy bear about something they are knowledgeable about. But, as we saw with the tech support help desk story, because teddy bears aren't asked to do much, they can also help with things they don't know about. So, you can ''even'' talk to a teddy bear about:<br />
*something you know a lot about, but the teddy bear doesn't <br />
*something you're not the expert in, and you're ''pretending'' the teddy bear is wiser about<br />
<br />
For example, the bullet points below could all be examples of any of the bullet points above:<br />
*purchasing something<br />
*navigating choppy waters with co-workers or family members <br />
*dealing with a small task that has been a thorn in your side<br />
*handling a major life issue<br />
<br />
But, why would you [[Complete_version#An_example|want to talk to someone who might not be able to follow closely what you're talking about]]?!? The idea is that it can be incredibly valuable to be [[Main_Page#Heard_to_speech|"heard to speech"]] by someone, i.e., to have different speech come out of you because of how you're experiencing being heard by someone. It's about the teddy bear [[Holding the space|holding the space]] for you with their interest, presence, and attention so that you can<br />
*find out what you think by hearing what you have to say<br />
*be heard in a way that facilitates being better able to express things<br />
*be more likely to think of things and stumble across things that you find helpful<br />
*be more able to have shifts in perspectives, etc.<br />
<br />
What makes being heard to speech much more likely is ensuring that there is a lot of listening going on. Many people will go into a situation having every intention of doing more listening only to find themselves doing a lot of talking. The beauty of TBTS is that choice and willpower aren't so much a part of the picture. You replace discipline with structure. Instead of having to rely on discipline to try to do more listening in ordinary circumstances, with TBTS we're changing the circumstances. The teddy bear makes an agreement to either only listen, or only do something very limited (like ask questions or reflect back some of what the teddy bear heard). This keeps the teddy bear out of the talker's way, so that the interaction can be about the talker and what's going on for them and where they want to take things. Instead of the usual state of affairs, we're asking the teddy bear to contribute in only a limited amount of ways, and besides that to not make it about what's going on in their heads and what ''they'''re now thinking of.<br />
<br />
The teddy bear might not be "doing much," but their interest, presence, and attention can make all the difference.<br />
With the teddy bear there [[Holding the space|holding the space]] with the talker, what to say or do next can become clear. What becomes the point of focus changes. Some things can become immediately obvious. Things can sound different and register differently for the talker. Someone is paying attention, and a lot can change because of that.<br />
<br />
Here are some different things that teddy bears might be asked to do: <br />
* serve as a silent witness<br />
* do some paraphrasing of parts of what the talker said<br />
* offer some questions (and perhaps offer the questions in writing)<br />
* make guesses at what's at the bottom of what the talker is talking about <br />
<br />
Here are some everyday things that a talker might talk through with their teddy bear:<br />
*Whatever thoughts come to mind as they try to wade in when they're not sure where to start<br />
*Prioritizing their day<br />
*Making their intentions clearer with an email they just finished drafting out<br />
*Reflecting on a parenting decision or a conversation they need to have<br />
<br />
Since teddy bears aren't asked to do much, the hope is that Teddy Bear Talk Support can make it easier to reach out and connect with people, both with reaching out and asking someone to be a teddy bear and with reaching out and offering to be a teddy bear. Also, with the simplicity and clarity that TBTS provides, navigating social dynamics can be largely taken out of the equation. You can be clear about what the setup is, and both talker and teddy bear can benefit from the structure that provides.<br />
<br />
<u>Setup examples:</u> <br />
<br />
Paraphrasing when asked to<br />
<br />
:A talker and a teddy bear have agreed to do Teddy Bear Talk Support for 5 - 10 minutes. The talker has requested that the teddy bear listen silently unless the talker asks them to do some paraphrasing of what the talker has said.<br />
<br />
Taking timed turns and offering questions in writing<br />
<br />
:2 - 3 people have decided to start their day by taking turns doing Teddy Bear Talk Support with each other over Zoom. They will use a timer to give each person 7 minutes for their turn as the talker. They agree that teddy bears can offer questions in writing at any time by using the chat. It is understood that the talker can feel free to not answer the questions by simply continuing to talk, and the talker is encouraged to do what feels best for them in the moment. Since the chat can be easily saved, the questions can be saved to be thought about later. <br />
<br />
"Teddy bears" can be real live people that someone talks to in real time. Or, a talker can have interactions with teddy bears by talking to real or imagined people by writing to them, or by talking to recording devices.<br />
<br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">An example</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Let's look at a setup involving a real live person in real time. Let's first look at the most minimal setup for that, where the human teddy bear is serving as a silent witness. Just like if you were talking to a stuffed animal teddy bear who can't understand what you're talking about anyway, you can talk about anything you might want to think out loud about with your human teddy bear. '''It's fine if they can't follow what you're saying that closely.''' They can still [[Holding the space |hold the space]] for you in ways that are supportive. For example, we use TBTS in a "can't follow closely" way during my weekly [[Co-working|co-working]] meetings with a writing partner where we each are working on our own writing projects. My writing partner and I take breaks from writing every 20 minutes and take 3-minute turns serving as teddy bears for each other. We are often smack dab in the middle of something and just start talking as if the other person had a much better idea of what we were talking about than they do.<br />
<br />
What changes now that someone else is paying attention? One big difference with having someone to talk to is that, to some extent, you're imagining what the other person is paying attention to, what are they expecting to hear you say, what parts are likely to stand out for them, etc. These things are factoring in to what you're saying to the teddy bear.<br />
<br />
So, then, you might automatically start explaining things you don’t think you need to explain to yourself. You might end up listing off some key things or key points that can shed light on the situation. You might start to see things from a third party perspective. Such things can often lead to big shifts or profound insights.<br />
<br />
You may have experienced this already in normal conversations. I have. Sometimes, but not necessarily, it's happened to be that the other person hadn't said very much in the conversation. Sometimes it's because they were trying to find something to say but couldn't come up with anything. When I've ended up with great insights and heartily thanked the person, '''"But, I didn't do anything!"''' has sometimes been the response.<br />
<br />
But they ''are'' doing something for me. When “human teddy bears” serve as silent witnesses, they bring with them their facial expressions, the nodding of their heads, the puzzled looks they get on their faces, and the regard for me that they are holding me with. Just with things like that, the space is held differently for me. I hear myself differently. Someone is paying attention. As a result, some things can become immediately obvious. What I focus on changes. What to say or do next can become clear. The teddy bear's very presence changes things for me.<br />
<br />
Note that it can be <u>'''because'''</u> the other person didn’t "do anything" beyond give me their presence and attention that something was facilitated for me. They held the space and gave me '''plenty of room to take things where I needed to go.''' I was able to benefit from the power of listening. I was "heard to speech" [https://books.google.com/books?id=rRc4DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=hear+each+other+into+speech,+into+deeper+and+deeper+speech+morton&source=bl&ots=wCfyOF1Xyl&sig=StkiWTcQO-MbSqsFKttVT8_hytM&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBk47apOXWAhVBw4MKHY4SBI4Q6AEIPDAD#v=onepage&q=hear%20each%20other%20into%20speech%2C%20into%20deeper%20and%20deeper%20speech%20morton&f=false as Parker Palmer likes to describe it]. Because they were there with me in the way that they were, it made possible my saying what I said, and it made possible all that came with getting to have said it.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="max-width:100%; overflow:auto;"><br />
<div style="font-weight:bold;line-height:1.6;">What situations might you talk about?</div><br />
<div class="mw-collapsible-content"><br />
Anything you might want to think out loud about [[Examples#Talking_out_loud_on_paper_examples | (or out on paper about)]]. Maybe it’s a situation where it’s not immediately obvious where to start or how to get some traction. Maybe it’s something you’ve been working on, an email, a presentation, a piece of writing, etc., and it’d be helpful to get clearer on what the gist of it is. Maybe it’s something you want to get a piece of hammered out or untangled. Or maybe it’s something you want to reflect on. <br />
<br />
For example, you might be working on an elevator pitch for being able to quickly tell someone about a project. You have already succinctly written out the "What?" and the "How?" for your project. Now, you're working on saying more about the "Why?" and seeing if you can get that in as close to the beginning of your elevator pitch as you can.<br />
<br />
Or, you might be needing to initiate a difficult conversation with someone and be wanting to figure out what requests you might want to make of the person.<br />
<br />
Or it could be something really quick and simple, like wanting to come up with a sentence or two to make a transition from one paragraph to the next in something you're writing.<br />
</div><br />
</div><br />
<br />
== Why limited? Why have constraints? ==<br />
<br />
One reason to constrain what teddy bears "do" to be very limited is because it can give the power of listening more of a chance to work its magic. One way to do this is to have it so the teddy bear only mirrors back parts of what the talker said at times when the teddy bear thinks it’d be helpful, i.e., either repeats verbatim what the talker said or reflects back in the teddy bear’s own words what the talker said. <br />
<br />
Another way to make more room for the power of listening is a process called the Clearness Committee. It’s a process that involves multiple teddy bears supporting one focus person where the teddy bears can only respond to what the focus person is saying by asking questions. <br />
<br />
The following excerpts from [http://www.couragerenewal.org/clearnesscommittee/ Parker Palmer’s description of the Clearness Committee] give a sense for what this teddy bear setup is about: <br />
:Many of us face a dilemma when trying to deal with a personal problem, question, or decision. On the one hand, we know that the issue is ours alone to resolve and that we have the inner resources to resolve it, but access to our own resources is often blocked by layers of inner "stuff"—confusion, habitual thinking, fear, despair. On the other hand, we know that friends might help us uncover our inner resources and find our way, but by exposing our problem to others, we run the risk of being invaded and overwhelmed by their assumptions, judgments, and advice—a common and alienating experience. <br />
<br />
:…<br />
<br />
:Behind the Clearness Committee is a simple but crucial conviction: each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems. But that inner voice is often garbled by various kinds of inward and outward interference. The function of the Clearness Committee is not to give advice or “fix” people from the outside in but rather to help people remove the interference so that they can discover their own wisdom from the inside out. Nothing is allowed except real questions, [[Open, honest questions|honest and open questions]], questions that will help the focus person remove the blocks to his or her inner truth without becoming burdened by the personal agendas of committee members.<br />
<br />
The Clearness Committee is described as a two hour process with just one focus person. [https://meaningfulaction.org/ScriptForHoldingTheSpaceSessions.pdf Click here] for a script for running a short version of the Clearness Committee where people take turns being talkers and teddy bears that I'm calling Holding the Space Sessions. <br />
<br />
Other reasons for constraining what teddy bears do to be very limited are:<br />
*so talkers are less in performance mode and more in a mode of freely talking to just see how things will unfold<br />
*so we're in there's only one person's agenda at a time mode<br />
*so there's less need to handle social dynamics<br />
*so there's more hearing and being with<br />
*so the talker can talk without needing the teddy bear to follow that closely with what the talker is saying, so the talker can even start in the middle of a story if they want<br />
*so talkers can spend less time feeling isolated and more time feeling bolstered in our abilities to see how to realize possibilities<br />
*so talkers and teddy bears can benefit from having structure, clear expectations, and predictability<br />
*so talkers can connect with more different teddy bears, because the constraints make the role of teddy bear something you can plug anyone into<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
TBTS offers possibilities for exploring different structures of interacting for different situations. A talker can be briefly flipping into and out of teddy bear mode every now and then during the day with a teddy bear (can TBTS make it easy to have a socially acceptable way to have more frequent shorter interactions with someone so that talkers can have more connection with that person?), or every now and then in the middle of a conversation. Or, a talker can talk for longer periods of time with someone who is staying in teddy bear mode. A talker can have an ongoing teddy bear setup to help with achieving a goal or establishing a habit. Or, a talker can have a teddy bear setup that is just for helping with making one decision. The possibilities and the benefits are many, and we'll see that "teddy bears" are benefiting as well as "talkers." The benefits include connecting more, connecting differently, holding more space with more room for the talker, and holding the space differently. It is about benefiting from having different windows into each other's worlds.<br />
<br />
By being included in these "limited" but significant ways in the talker's process, we are getting to take part in each other's journeys in meaningful ways.<br />
<br />
:When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time.<br />
:-Rachel Naomi Remen<br />
<br />
==Heard to speech==<br />
Because the teddy bear is there hearing what I have to say, that elicits different speech to come out of me. Often, '''because of how I'm experiencing being heard''', I can be heard into deeper and deeper speech.<br />
<br />
As my [[Co-working|co-working]] writing partner put it, "It's amazing how I know what to say when someone is listening."<br />
<br />
Teddy bears help us with discovering what might come out of our mouths, because of things like <br />
*how we are experiencing being heard, <br />
*how we are experiencing how the listener's presence gives us a new context to speak into, <br />
*and how much room and freedom we are being given to take the conversation wherever we needed to go with it.<br />
<br />
==The magic that the teddy bear can experience==<br />
<br />
Here is a piece by David Castro on Learning to Listen. It is called Empathy in 8 Minutes, and it is about how he experienced doing an exercise where you listen quietly for 8 minutes as someone tells you his or her life story.<br />
<br />
:When my partner started to tell his story, I wanted to ask a truckload of questions directing the conversation. I wanted to follow up on particular details, ask about things he hadn't mentioned, shortcut certain areas and learn more about others that interested me, like someone fast forwarding through a TV show.<br />
<br />
:After about three minutes, however, something remarkable happened. That incessant voice in my head began to quiet, and for the first time I began to listen at a deeper level. I observed my partner’s body language, soaked in his selected words and stopped trying to control the conversation flow. In the remaining five minutes, I learned something profound about the person speaking. I began to see and understand him for the first time. I was actually listening to him instead of focusing on my bundle of projections about him.<br />
<br />
Teddy Bear Talk Support makes it easier for the experience to be about only one person's agenda at a time. '''Notice how natural it is to have the both surprising and not so surprising number of agendas that David Castro had as a listener in the first 3 minutes of this exercise.'''<br />
<br />
== Ready to try it out? ==<br />
===Possibilities===<br />
So, what could you think through with someone? Maybe you already have something in mind. Like maybe you've got <br />
*something you're musing about, <br />
*or something you're trying to fix, <br />
*or something you want to do a dry run for. <br />
<br />
Or maybe you don't have anything in mind and are looking for some things you could think through with someone (be it in real time, or in writing, or with a recording device). The next four subsections provide some different ideas.<br />
<br />
==== "Maybe I could ... " ==== <br />
Does prompting yourself with the words "Maybe I could ..." to start you talking help you think of something?<br />
<br />
*For example, "Well, I have this summarizing sentence at the end of my email. '''Maybe I could''' write a different version of it that I could also put at the beginning of my email. Well, but ___________. Yeah, maybe I don't want to ___________. But, wait, if I leave out that part of the sentence and ___________. Then, maybe if I ___________. Yes, that'll do the trick. I think that's worth doing."<br />
<br />
*Or, "I want to have a better way of handling my "out the door" items that I need to take with me when I'm leaving the house. '''Maybe I could''' always put my ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that? What if ___________? Maybe that would help. So, then, if I can count on that, then ___________. Which means I can ___________. So, if I move ___________. But, can I really get myself to do that??? What if ___________? ..."<br />
<br />
====Scheduled====<br />
*Brain dump or check-in for 5 - 10 minutes at the start of a work cycle. For example, this could be to start you back up after you've taken a break for lunch on Mondays.<br />
*More frequent helpful meetings. Think of the meetings that you already have in your schedule. Could it be helpful to have more frequent meetings involving those people except that you'd have teddy bears that you met with instead of the actual people. Examples: advisors, mentors, colleagues, organizers.<br />
<br />
====Spur of the moment====<br />
*"Don't feel like it" support or "Instead of cleaning the toilet" support - When you want to get yourself to start working on something and don't feel like doing it, and especially if you're about to go clean the toilet because even that sounds like a more attractive job to do, reaching out to a teddy bear might be just the thing to try for getting yourself in gear. <br />
<br />
:See the section [[Complete_version#Including_others_before_you.27re_ready_.28before_the_material_is_anywhere_near_shareable.29 | Including others before you're ready (before the material is anywhere near shareable)]]<br />
<br />
====Active learning====<br />
*Learning by explaining and puzzling over out loud support - in the midst of reading or studying, grab a teddy bear and talk things over as if the teddy bear were a fellow learner or someone you could teach the material to. Let them be someone you can digest ideas with.<br />
<br />
===Resources===<br />
====On-call times====<br />
- One way to give TBTS a try is through the [http://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=On-call_times "on-call" times] when talkers can call and talk to a teddy bear without having to arrange anything beforehand. If you would like to offer times to be an on-call teddy bear, contact Leeann Fu at teddybear@umich.edu.<br />
<br />
====Talk out loud with the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597====<br />
- Another way of doing Teddy Bear Talk Support is to call the TBTS 3-minute Vanishing Voicemail number: (734) 531-9597. Calling this number takes you straight to voicemail and allows you to be on the call for up to three minutes (no matter if you are talking or remaining silent). The voicemails left at this number vanish. (They are deleted by Leeann without being listened to.) I've been surprised time and time again how incredibly fruitful I find it to talk to a teddy bear that is merely a recording device. By providing this phone number as an easy, concrete way to immediately do TBTS, I hope it paves the way for others to easily reap the benefits for themselves as well. Note: Calling this number gives you a way to have the space held for you for the time that you are on the call, without providing you (or anyone else) access to the recording after the call is over. All recordings left at this number will be deleted without being listened to.<br />
<br />
==Connecting more and connecting differently==<br />
<br />
Here is an excerpt from the book ''You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters'' by Kate Murphy: <br />
:To research this book, I interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata, experts and nonexperts, about listening. ...<br />
<br />
:It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them--not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. <br />
<br />
What could help to change this? Would it help if people could say "Hey, I've got something that I could use some Teddy Bear Talk Support for. Would you mind being my teddy bear for five minutes?" and have people know what this meant? What if asking this or offering this was as easy as asking a kid to give you a high five or a fist bump?<br />
<br />
I encourage you to imagine and experiment with the possibilities.<br />
<br />
==Want to read more?==<br />
<br />
The page that you are on contains the shortest version of the Teddy Bear Talk Support writeup. <br />
<br />
[[Complete_version#How_does_the_magic_work.3F|Click here]] to go to the "How does the magic work?" section of the unabridged, complete version.<br />
<br />
== Note: Work in progress ==<br />
<font color=044D39> <br />
This page is under construction. One thing I'd like to make more progress on is adding more stories and examples to this website. So, if through giving TBTS a try or if you've already been doing some form of TBTS and have things to share with me, please get in touch with me by contacting me at teddybear@umich.edu. <br />
</font><br />
<br />
==References==</div>WikiSysophttp://teddybeartalksupport.com/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Sidebar&diff=1327MediaWiki:Sidebar2022-01-01T22:55:06Z<p>WikiSysop: </p>
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